Ashtanga Yoga Journal

dusting the cobwebs away

2011-05-22T22:18:00.000+01:00

Here is a bit of a practice update.

Kapotasana- last time I blogged about this, I was cutting out the additional prep that had snuck into home practice. I was doing 3 kapo hang backs, 3 kapo B's, then 3 kapo A and B standard. Blimey! That was mental and physical torture, it also disrupted the flow of my practice. I gradually cut out the prep and had cut it out completely by March. Woah, not much blogging going on from me, evidently. What surprised me was that my body adapted. I was able to grab my heels without the prep and still do. I guess it is similar to what happened when my practice was split, my body was used to primary as a warm up but with time it adapted. Clever body. I still repeat the pose if I don't get it first time, a maximum of 3 times. Sometimes I get in on the first attempt, but this is mostly if I am in a Mysore class as it is warmer. Kapotasana, remains a physically demanding pose for me, but there is definitely less drama about it. Overall I guess I am becoming more flexible but it varies day to day, month to month and so I care less. I just do it and move on.

My practice is getting longer, slowly. I was given nakrasana a couple of weeks ago. It is funny how much adding one pose can do. Adding yet another strong asana to that section which requires physical and mental strength, has made me find more ease and less intensity. Yes this is a strong practice but it's nice to find the softness and surrender to it's ebb and flow. I am not talking about sloppyness here, the integrity has to be there and the strength but also some softness. I hadn't explored this in intermediate before, it was something I felt in primary but intermediate requires so much of me, my practice was intense but now as it gets longer I am surrendering more, it's an interesting space.

Karandavasana landing and urrm up?

2011-04-14T14:11:00.001+01:00

It's been so long since I blogged it is difficult to know where to begin. I started writing a summary yesterday but it all sounded so dry. The details without the life. How can you sum up two months in one post. So I am going to start again and focus my post on karandavasana. For anyone who does not know this pose or for anyone as geeky as me, here is a video of karandavasana in a led intermediate class in mysore.

It's a hard pose, no kidding! I love it though, it suits my character. I'm very determined and I am fairly patient, most of the time;-). I am also fairly strong which makes kapotasana harder as I have tight shoulders (that is opening up too now though). I will happily chip away gradually building strength and learning to co-ordinate the movements which is more challenging but also kind of fun.

So I am working at this at home which can be a challenge as I can contine to do the same wrong thing again and again and again, you get the idea, lots of falling! Last week I landed it for the first time on Wednesday and again on Thursday. On Thursday my partner videod it, as he has a new camera and happened to be
around. It was good to be able to watch it again, but it wasn't as good as I thought it was, lol. What made the difference and enabled me to land was a tip from a teacher to move the shoulders up and forward. Prior to this I would land slowly and then slide off my arms. However as I am thinking about my shoulders I am not curling as much as I can and should in order to land it well and consitently. This week I tried to do both and mostly failed, today when I was exhausted, last intermediate of the week, I managed to land on my fist attempt and it was a bit lighter I think. Kino gave me a great tip re curling to draw the ribs in, this really helped so now I need to combine both the curl and the shoulder action. This is all very physically orientated but to me it is excellent mindfulness training, you have to be totally present in karandavasana there is no room for daydreaming!

So once I land I'm all chuffed for a moment and then the question arises, how do I get back up. I am doing one of my karandavasana attempts so I only go half way down hold that and then see if I can get back up from there as outlined in Ashtanga Yoga - The Intermediate Series: Mythology, Anatomy, and Practice (Ashtanga Yoga Intermediate Series) But when I am down I want to use the muscles I need to develop to build strength so that one day, however long it takes I can come up. This was the approach I took for jump backs and after years of sending the s ignal, a kino would put it, my body responded. Today I tried lifting the pelvis on and back toward me chest, using the strength of the pelvis. Is this the action. If anyone reading can do this and can explain what they do and from where that would be fab.

Bye for now.

Landing the elusive duck

2011-02-07T23:10:00.001Z

Kapotasana went away last Wednesday and has only just came back today, the flexibility of my spine varies greatly. I was frustrated with kapotasana because the rest of my practice feels so meditative. However, I realized here is the power of this practice, I have to do something really challenging and calm my mind. This gives the practice some real life application because life sometimes has it's share of challenges. I often feel that is how I cope with them that show how much the yoga is really working.

I love karandavasana. I am not able to do it by any means, I am still working on my landing and enjoying the process. My hips have oppened up, about one month ago, making leg behind the head deeper and getting into lotus in karandavasana less of a mission. At first it felt like it took a day just to get in, it still is a mission but an easier one so I have been working on my landing.

It is fun! Here is how it is going and what I have learned so far. It is a difficult pose and have decided to take it one step at a time. When I was first given it, I was overwhelmed, I wondered how on earth I would work in this at home. My teacher told me to just try and get into lotus and balance, that made it more accessible, I had something that seemed possible to work toward. When I could do that every day and I was balanced I started to try to go half way down. To do that you have to gradually shift the weight back, like you do in headtand when coming down. The hard part is learning how much weight to shift and to teach my body a new movement, which comes down to practice. I can do that now, after that I go down too quick and land on my arms but slip straight off. So that is where my work is I try to stay in the place where I am still in control and gradually expand that.

Last night I watched kino's dvd in slow motion. I think I have worked out what I do wrong and what to do next, now I need to teach my body.......... Once she got half way she began to curl but he kept her pelvis in the same place until she was almost down. I think as I begin to curl I bring my pelvis toward the midline, thus shifting the weight to far back and losing the control. The next part, the landing is more complex but I am not going to work on that yet. One step at a time.

When I was last at the shala, I got lot of helpful advise on this. One of my teachers told me I needed to practice being in the down position, which I could do with assistance. I was like said err great but I can only come to the shala once a month now, (I was going every week last year). I suggested I could try and get into the down position from the floor, I learnt how to do this on kino's workshop. However, although I can get up from the floor one side at a time, the second side is always to low. So I tried to get into the down position another way, also from kino's dvd. I come into pincha but with my head on the floor i.e headstand, the get into lotus, lower down and then lift my head and land. I practice it after I have had 3 goes at the regular karandavasana. It is more stable so easier to control but I have still only landed it twice. Once last week and once today, today I held the down position for ten breaths. It was okay but there was no way in the world I was getting back up, head on the floor or not, that will take a long time!!! I am enjoying the process as I love the mindfulness in motion as well as the mental and physical strength that this pose requires.

preparations

2011-01-30T17:42:00.000Z

It's been a while.. hi! This post is going to be a tad asana centric. I've thought about posting it a few times and keep deciding it'd make a dull read but I obviously need to write it as I keep thinking about it. I went to see my teacher a couple of weeks ago and had a great time, I learned lots which is still informing my at home practice. I really wanted to go to kinos workshop in March as he is doing an extra mysore class and a workshop on adjusting primary on the Monday. I felt that she may have some good input for me as I continue to work on karandavasana. I really wanted to go but wasn't sure if I could afford it, so I decided not to go to London in February (I usually go at least every 4 weeks). My teacher is in Mysore in February anyhow. I am also in a bit of a groove with my home practice right now, I have lots to work on and have some ideas about how to do it. So I won't be in London until March, the week before the kino workshop.

The advantage of working at home on a pose is you can do some naughty prep work for a challenging pose if you like. The disadvantage of working at home is that you can do some naughty prep work for a challenging pose if you like, it can get out of hand, lol! When I got split (started practicing just second series), the thing I found the hardest was kapotasana at home. It would come so quick, I would barely be awake and I would be so cold, my feet like ice blocks. I mean it is not an easy pose anyhow, but you need to be warmed up. So I developed a prep routine, 3 kapo hang backs, then 3 kapo B's, then 3 normal kapotasanas. That warmed me up!!!!

Working at kapotasana at home with a tight upper back is challenging and I am grateful for my kapotasana prep for allowing me to get to the point that I can grab my heels by myself. I think it would have taken years without. At the shala it is warm enough and I usually do 2 kapotasanas, one assisted and one solo. Anyhow in January the procrastinations began...I take a break between each prep, I hold them for one minute and it is intense. The procrastinations went something like this "this is not astanga" "this is taking too much time" "this is way to much prep" blah, blah, blah went my mind.

My mind is usually fairly quiet during practice but during kapotasana prep I would let it go. I've been meditating a lot recently and I soon realized I needed put this practice to use to reign in my wondering mind by focusing on my breath. I also realized my mind had a point, it was too much, it was messing with the flow of my practice, and I now have other poses that need my energy.

So I am on Kapotasana prep cut back. Each week I remove one prep pose from my routine. I am now in week 3, so today I did 2 hang backs and one kapo B before my 3 kapotasanas. As a result I make more of an effort on each one, I am also very determined on my final kapo, and am still getting to my heels on the final one, every day bar one. I have much more energy too, so it going well. It is also giving me something to focus on while I am without a teacher for the next month.

I am also working on the karandavasa landing, and it is getting better but is not there yet, I love it though....that's another post perhaps....

The power of now

2011-01-09T23:17:00.000Z

Over Christmas I read The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckart Tolle. I loved the book but I am not intending to review it here but to share what I have noticed in my own reflections. I have wanted to read this book for a while and it did not disappoint. Over the holidays was a good time for me to read it as I was away from my everyday busyness and able to put it all into practice and reflect on it.

I realised that it was time I brought my spiritual practice into my life more fully. Time to be here and now as much as possible in life and to stop creating emotional attachments. Afterall all we ever have is here an now, why live elsewhere! Meditation in life as opposed to meditation and life as two separate practices. I realize this is all very obvious but I don't think I have actually practiced this fully before. I have had moments of being completely present in my life which have been amazing glimpses. I am definately more present as a result of both my asana and my meditation practice but I have until recently not noticed when I am not present outside of my practice. I guess I have practiced and then let it spontaneously effect my life.

Christmas was a great time to practice this. I noticed that the moments I avoided being in fully were not the amazing ones or the difficult ones but the mundane, day to day stuff. I guess you could call it boredom, wanting to be elsewhere and literally being elsewhere in my mind. Ugh! I hate to admit this. I have an aversion to saying I am ever bored as I have always felt that if I say I am bored it actually means I am boring. However as I have observed myself lately I have noticed that there are some moments, I don't want to be in. Noticing this and allowing myself to be there more fully, transform these seemingly mundane moments into the extraordinary wonder that they really are or sometimes I have just noticed my aversion to something instead of mentally avoiding it. I guess this is why washing up is often given as a time to meditate and be fully present.

Back home

2011-01-01T15:40:00.000Z

I am back home after my winter retreat in Wales, well it was a family visit but it felt like a retreat because we were snowed in most of the time. When we arrived we couldn't quite get up the hill to my mums house so we had to abandon the car (managed to parked it) and walk the last bit with all our stuff. I had planned to see more of my friends but the car was stuck and we were in such a beautiful spot, it was lovely to be stuck. So relaxing.   We had some wonderful walks along the headland in the snow, it was so quite ours were sometimes the only footprint to be seen. The snow melted the day before our drive home, it was so strange to see green again!

During all this time for reflection I have had lots of time to think about the practice. You know the saying it's not about the asana.   I love Nobel's post about this and am grateful to him as he put into words a lot of my thoughts. It took me years to be able to do certain poses, supta kurmasana for instance. Now that I can do this pose with ease, I am not that changed, but the process of trying, failing, tunning in, striving, letting go that taught me a great deal about myelf. So it is I think in part about the asana, just not about achievement of the asana. I think, my yoga practice is an opportunity to practice being in the here and now. At the beginning of my practice I sometimes make a silent commitment to myself to stay present. I feel that the asanas themselves help to release emotional and mental tension in my body which enables me to be more present off the mat. So I do think the asana themselves are useful but if you can't do this or that, it doesn't matter and in fact it's great, use it as a tool for inner transformation. It's actually not the tight yogi's that have a hard time I think, if your tight, you have to surrender and accept your now pretty early on but if your flexible you can go right on striving and expecting until you eventually find your wall.

I think it is inevitable that I get involved in the story of my asana practice. I have always felt that honest reflection is important part of my path even if it doesn't seem to evolved. I like talking about asana, I like breaking it down and working toward certain poses, the main reason for this is because I find the process transformational. I spend a lot of my time doing asana and it is part of my day to day experience and therefore in my head. Where am I going with this, well I just wanted to write a current state of practice report because I felt that my practice was hard, wasn't changing, etc. etc and then wondered why it mattered, which of course it doesn't but I want to record the current state of practice anyway, just for kicks. I wrote the practice report a couple of days ago and I found that it has changed more than I realized.

So practice.... while I was away kapotasana was more hit and miss than normal. Since I have been able to do it by myself I have made it to my heels everyday usually on the third attempt. While I was away there were two days where I just couldn't make it to my heels even on the third attempt. I knew this would inevitably happen at some point, but I was worried I had gotten too attached having worked so hard to get there but I just moved on, so I was pleased with my non-attachment, spiritual materialism?
   Pasasana- wrist on first side, wrist on second side, sometimes. Love the opening on the back shoulder. Boxing day was another story, bounced out of it on first attempt, I was so bloated, Christmas pudding I think!!

I like the backbends that lead up to kapotasana but they go so quick. Really enjoying dhanurasana right now, I can get a lovely stretch there and often hold it a little longer. Kapotasana, who knows, depends on??? Mostly I am getting to heels on second or third attempt, I have had a couple of practice where it has been really open. I have realized it is much, much easier when I am more flexible as in it takes less energy. Still doing repeats etc so kapotasana feels like a separate practice in the middle of my practice.

Supta vajrasana- I love, now. My shoulders welcome it. Bakasana B has been less consistent since my back opened up, mostly because doubt has crept in but my back is still recovering here. I can still land it though, not always on the first attempt but I did this week :-) The twists are a welcome break and a chance to do some jump throughs and back which I do with as much control as I can. I recover here.

Leg behind the head, I can get my legs there but my dwi pada isn't great. Can't seem to get right leg back without letting left leg lift a little. With assistance I can point my toes solo once in but alone my feet have to cling to one another like long lost friends at a party.

Tittibhasanas are fine until C the final one, that hurts! My legs subtly ache all the time, I think this is why???

Pincha, depends, I think it is a flexibility thing I can get up easier when I am more open. I can balance fine whilst up. I've not been working on the exit because I hurt my toes landing too hard on the shala floor. I can do it but sometimes the landing is a bit heavy and sometimes I only get one hand in place, any tips on landing gently, bandhas I know, is that it, bandhas and pray? My toes are better now though so I am going to start doing it again.

Karandavasana- I love this pose but it but it sure is hard. At home I practice in the middle of the room no walls are free. On a good day I can get into lotus by myself tighten it, hold that for 5 quick breaths and then release.   Think my lotus is opening up which is making this easier. At the shala, I get assistance and can on a good day mostly if not completely get down by myself but at home I am very much building the foundation. My partner is great at assisting if he is about. Today he assisted me as he walked past, it was like being at the shala. I do it 3 times because I am a loon!

Mayurasana, is getting better, I can hold it for 5 breaths but only just, I think it's close! Have I been saying that for a while, lol. What's helped is slowing down, and gradually leaning into it trying not to make any sudden movements. That's my last pose and I am happy to end there.

I want to work on keeping my feet my feet more parallel in drop backs but as you may have noticed I have a lot to work on already! So for now I just do the standard drop back routine, I can keep my feet parallel on the drop if I try so I do but but not on the stand up. A project for the future perhaps.

I have been writing this post in stages, so it's long, sorry. If you have made it this far, well done and thank you for reading, since it is now new year, happy new year. Whatever it brings may you enjoy every moment as it is.

Christmas greetings from wales

2010-12-25T13:05:00.000Z

We travelled to Wales by car on Monday, to my family home which is in the countryside on the coast. There has been a lot more snow than I have ever seen across the UK. It is truly beautiful and we are having a great holiday. The picture below is the view from where I practice, next to a real fire, lucky me! Hope you all have a lovely Christmas. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

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Still having fun, opportunities and surrender

2010-12-01T13:48:00.001Z

Stilling ~~falling~~ having fun in my new pose, mayurasana. Although we are understanding each other better now. I got some useful advise at the shala to bring my elbows lower as womens centre of gravity is lower. I was told to put my head on the floor whilst bringing the elbows lower. V's advise, see comments on previous post, has really helped too. I seem yo be able to do the pose better this week, my legs lift, I manage about 3 breaths and then I ~~fall~~ have some more fun. I think I find the balance point, I just need to keep it.

I realised I needed to redefine how I think about kapotasana. I was feeling a bit frustrated that I couldn't do it on the first attempt, that I had to repeat it 3 times (if I wanted to get into it by myself) and that it was so HARD. Poor me, lol. I have realised though that this might be the way that it is for some time, months maybe. So it is time to SURRENDER to the process and redefine my self talk. Yesterday I told my self that as I was not doing full second and had been split I had a wonderful OPPORTUNITY to work on Kapotasana. I needed a lot of convincing so I thought about why I wanted to work on it, I mean no one is telling me to do it 3 times!! It is so healing and I really enjoy the challenge and the OPPORTUNITY to open my upper back and work on balancing my strength and flexibility. I also told myself I could take the pressure off on the first two and just really work on grabbing my heels on the third one. In the past I had been trying to get heels on each one, working really hard and sometimes getting in on the second attempt. Obviously it would be better if there was NONE of this dialogue but well I'm working on it ;-). It worked though kapotasana was much less dramatic both yesterday and today, I may have even enjoyed it at times, maybe... I grabbed me heels on the third one despite the fact that it is snowy outside and my feet were still cold when I was practising it. What a difference a change in perspective can make.

We will have some fun with this one

2010-11-22T12:06:00.000Z

The above were were my teachers words when he gave me the next pose this morning and saw I could not do it. Such great advise! Lol, in fact it was just what I needed to hear.

Last week practice was hard, I was tired, really tired. Having analysed everything I could think of, I decided it must have been taking Friday off practice instead of Saturday. There were many advantages to this, due to the way my life is right now i.e. I am travelling to London every Friday and returning to Liverpool on Mondays, (this is tiring too.) The advantages of friday off was more time to do stuff at home, (hard when only there 4&1/2 days a week) and also an extra shala practice on the Saturday. The problem with having friday off practice is I teach 3 classes, which also means some cycling, my body needs complete rest. Anyway I took Saturday and Sunday moon day off to let my body recover.

Woke up stiff this morning, having slept awkwardly in the single bed in marcs rented room. Also my it band was really tight from cycling and lack of stretching. It did not bode well for the first intermediate practice in four days. I did a bit of stretching before I left and it band felt much better for it. Neck, shoulder and upper back were still stiff and still are now after practice but it'll be alright by tomorrow, I imagine.

Fortunately my teacher assisted me into kapotasana this morning, I was so tight I did not think it was possible but his kapotasana assist is amazing. After that I was miraculously able to do it solo.

So I haven't blogged about practice for a while at least the physical aspect of it. I have been managing to get to my heels in kapo by myself every day, it's been 3 weeks now but only on the second or third attempt. I am finding it requires more mental willpower to work on kapotasana now that I know it is possible than
it did to get there on the first place! I guess this is the next stage in the journey. Between that and karandavasana I feel like I have a lot to work on. So I was not expecting or wanting any new poses, I was not even sure what the next pose was. But I knew karandavasana was getting better.

I like a challenge in my practice, I really do. I guess kapo and karanda just push my mental limits in new ways. This is a good thing, I am sure but it is also challenging. When I was given the next pose, at first I did not realise that I was and went to backbending, which got an oy from my teacher, lol. Then I did not have a clue what to do as he led me through the strange vinyasasa for mayurasana and then I could not do it until he helped me engage my legs. But the best part for me was when he said "we're going to have fun with this one". What a wonderful reminder to enjoy the process especially in the midst of challenge.

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Cutting through spiritual materialism

2010-11-13T19:11:00.002Z

I finished this book a few days ago. I was going to write about it when I was back at home, (I am in London now) but having already moved on with my reading, I realise it may be better to write about it now, while it is still fresh in my mind.

First of all, loved the book, some parts more than others. Most of all I loved how the book got me thinking. Even the title. It is a Buddhist book but I am going to write about the thoughts it generated about my astanga practice, all thoughts are my own, read the book if you are interested in it, I don't want to spoil it.

I have had an attitude of surrender and honesty in relation to my practice and faith that the alchemy of the practice would just work. For instance if I noticed ego or ambition in my practice I just let it be. I am human afterall and it is a practice. So if I wanted to get on my mat on any given day because I wanted to work on an asana I would accept that even though I knew it was not about the asana, I felt that the practice would work regardless.

This is mainly due to my faith in the practice and has worked pretty well for me. This book made me question this belief and then realise that surrender and acceptance are indeed necessary and yet questioning is also good.

When I first started practicing astanga there were so many things in primary that I couldn't do that the practice hammered my ego each time I got on my mat. Not that I felt bad about it but I was not hey check me out either. What I love about this practice, specifically about learning it pose by pose is that there is usually something I can not do. What I wonder though is as people progress could ego about the practice become more of a problem if left unchecked or even encouraged.

I am by no means advanced in astanga world but as someone who has practiced daily for years my practice has obviously changed. When I practice at a workshop or some classes people sometimes complement my practice. I never know what to say. I work hard at my practice and I guess it's nice to acknowledge that effort. I definitely feel that internally, as in I enjoy being in a fairly flexible strong body. But for me it is mostly a spiritual practice and the last thing I want is an ego about my spiritual practice.

I think it is best to just observe the thoughts that arise as a result of this physical or spiritual progress and just watch them. I think you can not subdue the inevitable how should I put it, unspiritual thoughts or actions. To do so would not only be repressing but also spiritually egotistical, as in, I am way to spiritual for that!

I have found that through surrendering to the practice, it has changed me. I like a challenge of a difficult asana and I like it when I can do something that was once challenging. I mostly do not care what others think, okay well maybe I like to please my teacher sometimes, lol! I am thinking one of the reasons this practice works so well is because it teaches us to stay in the moment, to notice, to allow and to surrender.

I am going to leave you with a quote from the book

" We go around and around, trying to improve ourselves through struggle, until we realise that the ambition to improve ourselves is itself a problem. Insights come only when there are gaps in our struggle, only when we stop trying to rid ourselves of thought, when we cease siding with pious, good thoughts against bad, impure thoughts, only when we allow ourselves simply to see the nature of thought."

Chogyam trungpa, cutting throughout spiritual materialism.

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moving on

2010-11-03T00:05:00.000Z

So Kapotasana is still here, heel grab yesterday and TWICE today. The stuff I wrote yesterday helped me remember what to do. I usually do kapo A 3 times, I made it in on the second and third attempts today. I'm going to keep up the repetitions until I can consistently get in. Once in this pose is so much nicer, something to hold on to at last, no more hanging in outer space. Been slacking on the timed kapos this week, not got the mental stamina for it.

I am having a short practice week this week as I am going to the London at the weekend and will do a mysore class, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. So I am having Friday off and doing primary Thursday. I am grateful for the shorter week and the imminent shala visit. At the shala I will just do my practice as is without working on kapo as such, it'll be good for me. I will also see my teacher Monday.

So kapotasana isn't my last pose, I have a whole load of asana to do after that. I also have a new pose, it's just two weeks old, it's just a baby duckling, it's karandavasana. I've been a bit shaky post kapotasana for the last two weeks, (less so today) making working on karandavasana challenging. I'm just trying to get into lotus, whilst balanced on my forearms and I have almost done it a couple of times but lost it at the last moment, my right hip is tight but it's possible, just practice and balance. I'm glad to just have one step to work at, I was worried about how on earth I was going to work at it as a mostly at home practitioner, it seemed very overwhelming!

I'm still really enjoying reading cutting through spiritual materialism. It's been really useful to have it to reflect on as I go through dramatic change in my practice. I'm highlighting my favorite bits on my iphone, I have it on kindle for iphone as well as the real book, great to have both (although funny for a book about materialism), my partner already had the book. I'll post more on that when I am finished.

I've also been meditating daily for twenty minutes, vipasana. That's as long as I can sit in lotus, I guess I will extend it, we will see. For now it is enough. I first learnt vipasana about 11 years ago. I had a regular practice pre astanga but found the astanga practice was more what I needed. I have found that in yoga emotions come to the surface when I am ready for them. I have no idea how that works it's like magic. In meditation for me they came up quick and I used to find it hard not to react at times, not during the meditation but after. When I have forgotten all about the meditation and suddenly found myself hating an ex boyfriend whilst waling down the street and wondering where such strong emotion came from. I went on a 10 day vipasana retreat when I was 19, I'm grateful for the space it created for me in my mind. Having dealt with my own stuff a lot through asana I now feel I can handle it's intensity, I also don't have so much stuff, I'm much lighter, thank you asana.

I've needed all this today as I have been cycling around in the rain, the rain I can handle but the erratic driving was a bit scary at times. It is strange how people feel they have to hurry when they are in a car in the rain, I don't get it, I mean they are inside. Anyway a few close calls on my way to work am greatful to my practice for the awareness it gave me, I'm grateful to be safe, obviously as I'm writing about it I still need to work on moving on, back to the mat.....tomorrow that is off for a bath now, yum!

The long story

2010-11-01T13:48:00.001Z

Last week while I was at the shala, I was hanging back pre Kapo, the teacher was busy but I wanted an assist and so I was using it as a sneaky warm up. Anyway the teacher came over and suggested I take my hands to by forehead and STAY there and BREATHE. Huh? I guess I was just kinda chilling in comparison to that, I stayed there for about five breaths and came up. She asked me if I was okay, I was I just found it a difficult place to be. Teacher then discussed how sometimes we have to come out of a pose because it hurts but sometimes we just find it a difficult place to be. Huh? She so had my number so we did it again and I stayed and breathed through it, it was intense and then he took me into my heels.

When I am at home, I work at kapotasana lots, I'm not very warmed up when I am at home and so the first thing I do is hang back for a BIT. What's a BIT? Great question, it's for as long a I feel like and this discussion with this teacher made me realize that I was coming out it if it felt too intense, not physically intense, although kapotasana certainly is that but emotionally and mentally. In coming out I was missing out on an opportunity to breathe into those dark spaces. To be somewhere I do not want to be with calm mind. I started to time the third hang back. I held it for one minute and breathed. Timing it made me stay there even when emotionally it got tough.

I think breathing into those dark spaces led to some interesting emotional releases last week. I found myself outside of practice not wanting to be in the moment I was in. It took me a while to figure out that's why I didn't want to be where I was, doing what I was doing, but upon realizing and thinking, what's so wrong with here, it dissipated.

Soon after I was first given kapotasana, which was December, I was inspired by Boodiba to do Kapo B before kapo A. She was doing timed ones with Venkitesh in mysore at the time. So I decided to do the same. It was really good for my kapotsana but emotionally it was too much. I started to dread kapotasana, and it would take me AGES to pluck up the courage to go back. So I stopped doing the timed ones for a while, ahimsa (non-violence) has to start with oneself.

If I remember correctly, I decided I would still do kapotasana B before it but not time it, so there was no pressure. I find it hard to be warm enough for kapotasana A at home and so the kapotasana B helps. The last few months the intensity has been less and I have been more able to breathe into these spaces. I have been doing 1 minute Kapotasana B's, which last week I started to increase so I could slow down the hang back. As a cycle commuter I think this has really helped to open the front of my thighs and psoas as well as warm me up, I'm usually still cold when I get to Kapo but never after, lol! So what I am saying here is I have found it very useful to time myself so that I stay and breathe into these challenging spaces but it had to be when I was ready.

I have also been hanging off my backless chair for 5 minutes (outside of practice), even when in that, I sometimes I want to run. I know a lot of people have an intense time with kapo. I feel a sense of responsibility as I write this for those of you who are not here yet. I don't want to put it in your head that this pose will be terrifying, maybe it will maybe it won't. Maybe you will love it. I love it, it has given me such a fabulous opportunity to heal.

I decided, I was going to do this, I can be pretty determined. I've probably done 2 to 3 years worth of kapotsanas in less than one year. I had surrendered to the fact that it might take me years to grab my heels by myself, but I was determined that I would. Not because I was stopped there, I'm not, and not for the asana itself but because of what it required of me. Everyday it required me to face my deepest fears, to be with physically intensity, to be present and to be with it all, to breathe and not react..

I've been hanging off the chair (separate to practice, to open upper back), doing 3 hang backs, 2-3 kapo B's and the 3 attempts at Kapo A, every day that I practice at home, at the shala I just get on with it, which is also useful as there is less drama. On Tuesday as I was hanging back for my kapo A attempts my upper back started to open as I breathed into it and it opened again and again and again, each time I breathed my back would uncurl, my right shoulder also released. I went down I walked in and almost got my heels, I touched them but I could not quiet get hold. I realized as I lowered down that my head was inside my feet. I can only remember this happening once before, when I was in Italy and Louise Ellis was helping me open my upper back. It was also really hot in Italy, compared with my living room in October.

I realized I had the flexibility to grab my heels but needed to work on the last part, actually grabbing them. After 3 attempts I moved on with my practice. On Wednesday I found that extra space in my back again, I guess it's been opening for a while, the movement is quite dramatic. I just hang there and release until there is no more movement. The breathe helps create the space. I say I just hang there but ya know it is very intense! Then I lowered down and walked in and again touched my heels but flailed. Many repeats later, I decided to walk in and then lift up into my legs as much as possible, to find a little bit more space and then I did it, I grabbed both heels.

Came up and cried in a way, I can not ever remember crying before, perhaps it is how a child cries. I was both happy and sad. My body trembled. Intermediate can do that, but I've never had it so much, it felt like something was leaving my body.

Then I did the rest of my practice, I almost felt like stopping but I am glad that I had loads more to go, helped me work through it to witness even the intensity of the event without getting too attached to it. Just to go back to my breathe and dristi and move on.

Update, today (Monday) I managed to get my heels again! Things I have to remember, right now are. Hang back hand in prayer by forehead and breathe into upper back and surrender, look back at feet, keep looking at feet all the time to keep oppening in upper back. Lower down, slowly, keep legs active and hips as far forward as possible. Walk both hands around outside of feet, all the while looking at feet and keeping legs strong. When I feel like I can not go any further, engage legs and lift up, kind of a deep kapo B, breathe and find a little more space. Creep in in again keeping legs strong. Here is the critical bit because I find it hard to get hold of my feet so I have to keep going back until it really, really is impossible to go any further. If I try for the heels to soon, I loose my grip on the outside of feet and flail. So I have to take my hands way back on the floor further than I mentally think I can, push up again and then go for the heels.

I expect this new found flexibility may come and go, and I'm fine with that. I now know that it is possible to take myself there, physically, mentally and emotionally. I am grateful for the opportunity to practice and to take all that is gives me into my life.

the short story

2010-10-30T12:35:00.001+01:00

I've been trying to blog since Wednesday and have started but I have a lot to say and not much time to write. So the short story is, on Wednesday I grabbed my heels in Kapotasana, all by myself. This has been one hell of a journey for me, and continues to be, hence the long story which is in progress. After doing the pose I cried both happy and sad, my whole body trembled, like my whole body was releasing something. I feel that a part of me that was inside is now free to be outside. I feel healed and whole, I'm grateful but it is still REALLY HARD!

Spiritual materialism and karandavasana

2010-10-25T11:48:00.001+01:00

I am on the train home from London. Had a lovely weekend. Have started reading cutting through spiritual materialism and it's really making me think. I will blog more about that when I am by my computer because I want to quote from it. But for now in terms of practice I made a commitment to focus on breath, dristi and bandhas and just let the outer form, the asana be. Yes, I know that's what your meant to do and yes I thought I was doing it already but this journey into the moment is a challenge if it were easy i would not have to do all this mad stuff on our mats each day.

Ironically when I made this commitment which felt like a kind of surrender, there were some outer changes. I was less tired at the end, yesterday the teacher said she my practice was good, that it had changed and today I got a new pose.

Yes the journey with karandavasana has begun. Initial thoughts are, I am up for the challenge, I like working on hard stuff. It's a good job I am working with my ego, because it is going to be hard to work on this at home alone. Today I was assisted in and out but at home teacher said to work on getting into lotus and balancing there. He also gave me some advise on how to work on that. I know I can do lotus in headstand so it is theoretically possible, I guess. It will be two weeks until my next shala visit. I have more than enough to play with!

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London and pincha

2010-10-14T14:20:00.000+01:00

Had a great weekend in London, catching up with friends, hanging out with my man and going to mysore classes, happy days :-) Marc was going to come home this weekend but they wanted him to work on Sunday, so I'm going to go to go to London instead, which means I will be in London 3 weekends in a row, including last weekend. When in London I go to a mysore class, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, to maximise my access to teachers. So Thursday is now primary day and Friday is off. This means I am getting 3 shala practices and 3 at home practices. I like my at home practices as much as the shala ones a it gives me a chance to integrate what I've learnt. My teacher only teaches weekdays, so I end up going to 3 different teachers. I got lot of help with pincha which was challenging me at the weekend. It was at home that it has started to come together though. I realised that I was feeling under pressure to get up and not fall on anyone at the shala. This pressure was entirely my own manifestation, although I am sure the people near me were grateful I did not fall on them!!! :-) So my mission for this weekend is not to do the perfect pincha mayurasana in the shala but just to chill and do whatever I can.

So re pincha, what I learnt that has helped. Keep head down while coming up (from my teacher) walk in as much as possible. I am then doing some prep as outlined in kinos second series dvd, lifting one leg up at a time as far over as possible. I realised I was telling people, I couldn't walk in far enough or lift the first leg up as far as much as I needed to in order to come up with control. When I heard myself, I realised that this was pushing some kind of button in me and instead of saying I couldn't, it was time to find out how . The best tip was from my ever supportive partner, who sat and watched some you tube videos with me. Now my partner is not a yoga teacher or a yogi but he has a lot of martial arts experience and has an amazing understanding of body mechanics, he has taught me a lot. He suggested I stopped trying to get up for a bit and break it down, lift the first leg up and then work on getting second leg off the ground. Such a great idea, thanks Marc :) Firstly it took the pressure off, and I stopped flailing and kicking like a donkey!! Secondly I stopped moving from my back foot and more from my centre. Thirdly when I did this I started to get the pelvis over the central point and then I can balance and bring the leg fully up with control and balance. So I still need practice and I've been getting lots, but I have a method and it's working which is great.

more tales from the mat

2010-10-06T17:19:00.000+01:00

When I went on my retreat with Louise Ellis, we did yin yoga in the evenings. I loved it! So calming and such a great balance to the astanga practice. When I was working on mari D, supta K, and garba, I used to do a fair bit of yin to open my hips up but more recently I have just been doing badha konasana, which I have been doing for 10 minutes every day for years now. I have a drink in it, while I wake up. Anyway, Louise suggested doing some yin before practice. She also suggested doing ujayi in the yin poses, I love that, really allows me to smooth out the breath and tame the monkey mind. I found it hard to find time to do any yin on top of my long practice but since I have been split have been exploring it.

I think at the moment, I am more strong than flexible and so the yin is really balancing for my body and balancing energetically for intermediate, I think too. It is really meditative and doing it before practice allows me to begin my practice in a softer, quieter way. It is not orthodox I know, I'm over that, I mean I wouldn't do it in the shala but at home I will do whatever is right for me. When I got split, Kevin texted me to say, that in theory my practice would be much shorter. I had to laugh at the in theory part. I spend about the same amount of time practicing, although not all of my practice is ashtanga.

So I do my badha konasana, I don't really count this as practice as I let my mind wonder and wake up here, sometimes I read in it. Then 5 minutes in these for poses eka pada raja kapotsana (front leg only) does this have it's own name? Supta virasana to counter cycle commuting and hanging off chair to open upper back. Then 10 minute of breathing in padmasana with Michael gannons pranayama CD. I'm just doing the breathing for week one which is sama vvritti, equal breathing. Doing this breathing pre practice really helps to keep my breathing mellow during intermediate intense spots, which in turn keeps my body and mind calm :-)

It is amazing to see the changes in my practice this month. It's now back to where it was pre split. I guess my body just had to adapt to the lack of primary. Upper back is definately oppening and although my back has been more open than it is right now, it is more consistently open and drop backs feel much nicer. I feel much more energised when I work more from upper back and back bends make more sense physically.

Been continuing to work on kapotasana with my repeating sequence, see previous post. Before I got split I was nearly getting into it alone and getting and staying in it alone if assisted. I worked really hard to get there and went through so much personal transformation. I am actually starting to love this pose for the change it has taken me through and continues to take me through. When I got split I was back where I started creeping for my toes. The main difference though was that I knew what to do, I have had lots of great advise from teachers on this. So my body may not have been flexible enough but I knew how to work on that safely with my body and after just 6 weeks I am 3 quarters of the way up my foot again. I have really gotten to know my feet with this one, I can feel how far up I am. Some days I am nearly getting my heels solo. This is funny because after I got split I half surrendered to this, I though well it might take years but I will work on it and one day I will do it. I guess doing this pose to me symbolises conquering fear and that's why I continue to work at it. Now it's close there is some expectation, which I don't like, will today be the day, etc.
Oh well something else to let go of.

The leg behind the head stuff, I can do but it needs work to get them deeper. I am just allowing that to happen though, no repeats. I mean you put each leg behind the head 3 times anyway! Tittibhasana C hurts for less time, man that is intense for me, guess it's the cycling.

Pincha is a bit up in the air, or rather it isn't. Initially I was kicking up which sometimes worked well and I was learning how much force I needed to do it free standing. My teacher gave me some great advise two weeks ago and it made perfect sense when he was there but at home, it's been a bit of a struggle. I think it's better to do it this way though as it is more controlled. I see my teacher on Monday so I can clarify. He said to walk in and take first leg up as much a possible then bend the other leg to come up. I suspect I may not be flexible enough to walk in close enough or lift first leg far enough back, although I think I managed fine in the shala (it's warmer there though). I've been adding an extra kick with the lifted leg which brings the other off the floor. Sorry am I boring you, anyway that works sometimes and I am starting to get up more often, once up I can generally balance and it feels great. Hopefully I will get some advise on this, this weekend.

Trip to London this weekend and I will see my partner for the first time in two weeks as well as my London yoga friends :-)

Practice update

2010-09-16T16:20:00.000+01:00

One of the reasons I did not blog for a while was because I had little interest in writing about the physical dimension. Ironically since being split, all that has changed. My practice is completely different and has changed even from last week. Every time I get on the mat, I am curious to see what it will be like.

It takes a while for me to warm up, with my long practice pre split it would not be until supta kurmasana that I started to feel warm at home. So second series at home sans primary is a challenge. The first time I tried it, my body was like, hey are you serious! Every pose reverted to where it was when I first got given in it, right from the get go, so no wrist in pasasana, leg less height in krounchasana, etc. Oh and kapotasana, meh! Pre split, it was better than ever I was about 1 cm from heels solo. Last week I crawled to my toes, just.

I actually like to do a challenging practice, so I'm not complaining. It forces me into the moment and teaches me so much about myself physically and mentally. I do like to work at those hard poses though. My kapotasana routine at home is hardcore. At the shala I get assisted straight into it, no drama. On Monday I looked at my teacher and thought about telling him how hard it had been at home and then decided to forget the drama and he took me to my heels. Best jut to do, sometimes.

I realised at the weekend that even though my kapotasana seems physically right back where it started in other ways it isn't. It is no longer (at least for now) emotionally traumatic and I have learnt one hell of a lot about how to do it. Now it is just a matter of practice and lots of it).

So eliminating primary was bound to be strange for my body. It is already adapting, after just two weeks. Wrist bind is back for pasasana on first side, Kapotasana is deeper, just past toes. Kapotasana routine is currently 2-3 hang backs 10 breaths, two kapo B's for one minute (this warms me up, lol!) and 3 attempts at kapotasana A. Am I crazy, I actually kinda like it, on a good day!

New poses are like new toys. Yoga nidrasana is not the rest I was expecting but a great way to open the hips as I can really work deep here, feel like I get more of a stretch on left side though, which is a shame, my right hip is tighter. Tittibhasana A, can't land it high, working on that. Tittibhasana B can do but legs burn by the end and then C comes and C is so hard, I'm amazed my legs don't ache after though, just at the time. Not loving that pose!

Pincha, better this week, almost found the right amount of momentum to get up each time. Yesterday, 3 breaths solo in the middle of the room. Fun!

This week has been challenging, lots of mad life stuff. I don't feel as calm as I usually would and wonder if it's the shift to second series having an effect. Primary tomorrow, I wonder what that will be like...If I could use one word to describe how practice is going, I would use curious.

In other news my partner is going to be doing a job in London for 6 weeks, will miss him obviously. So may be visiting London and thus my teacher sooner than planned, we will see.

Retreat, kino and split epic

2010-09-13T12:32:00.001+01:00

Well my poor blog has been a little abandoned, I had thought about giving it up. Lots of inner change recently, difficult to clarify as I am still in the midst of it.

Anyhow, I am back, at least for now. Lots to report, well it has been about two months since I wrote last, I think!

I went on a yoga retreat with Louise Ellis in Italy. She has a truly beautiful presence and I almost feel like I learnt the most from just meeting her. She also taught me a lot about kapotasana, mostly encouraging and helping me to open my upper back more. It felt so much better and I felt so much more energised after practice. So when I got back I decided to buy a yoga chair, which I hang off in order to open my upper back up, hard to work on it solo otherwise. I hang there for 5 minutes, so I do it separate to my astanga practice.

Last week I went to some if kino's workshops in London. I did a led primary, a Mysore class, an into to second workshop and then went to see my teacher, the following day. Phew! Led was fun, I do not get a chance to do led primary very often and went to help my own teaching as well as personal faff reduction. Found it hard to focus in the Mysore session but the practice was physically okay. Did chakra bhandasana with assistance for the first time in months. Intro to second was useful for me as she gave some ways to explore the poses which will be useful for me when I am working on them at home. Socially workshop was also fun, two of my students came as well as the London blogger crew.

So the following day I went to my teachers to practice. I had not seen my teacher for two months and was happy to be there. I find I have a much more focused practice there, the energy and focus in the shala is amazing.

I wasn't sure if I wanted any new poses, I was happy with my practice, which should have been a give away. This practice is rarely easy, which I think is great for the ego, it very humbling. You can probably see where this is going... I was given yoga nidrasana and tittibhasana, which is really four poses. Bear in mind I had done full primary first and a yoga workshop that weekend. Oh and tittibhasana c is so hard, my legs are screaming in that pose! I said to my teacher "that's hard!" then I did my vinyasa and my teacher said "pinch mayurasana". I thought I must have misheard because I was so tired and I have never been given more than two poses in one day. So I checked and then did it with some help.

After pincha I thought woah I am going to be split soon. I was suddenly really nervous about the prospect. Having done primary for five and half years it's quite a change! After practice told me to do only intermediate from now on. I was really shocked. I actually said "really even though I can't balance in pincha!". He said I would have more energy to work on it. I was very suprised but I trust my teacher and it's nice he thinks I am ready.

Practicing just intermediate at home last week was harder than I thought. My body was just not warmed up enough and the poses reverted about six months. I am feeling pretty chilled about that though, I mean I will work on them and then move on, so I guess I do care but actually when a pose is hard you have to be so present, that's a great teacher. Once I have tried my best I move on with the rest of my practice and my life, that's all we can ever do, be it an asana or a life event. Moment to moment.

That said, it was nice to practice in the warmth of the shala again this weekend, I was visiting family in London. Heat, group energy and teachers presence make it much easier or harder depending on how you look at it;-)

Am on the train home now, will have 4 weeks of solo practice before my next trip to my teacher. Have been fairly spoilt for teachers recently but I think it will be kinda nice to explore my new practice at home....

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Let it be

2010-07-02T13:42:00.000+01:00

Well it's been 3 weeks since my week at the shala and I am heading back there on Sunday. Practice still seems very long but I do really like the leg behind the head poses. The first week of doing this practice was exhausting, I've been tidying everything up which takes more strength initially until I have the strength to do it more fluidly. Anyway I've been getting stronger and vinyasas are much better.

First week of longer practice, I felt overwhelmed as I stepped on my mat, so I broke it into chunks, standing, then primary, then second, then closing. I realised this wasn't exactly staying in the moment! I also realise it may be a while before I am split. Actually I don't want to be split yet so there is no point moaning about it! I love my long practice, it's just hard sometimes. So last week I decided to surrender to it and be in each moment rather than hoping I can make it to the end! Ha, anyways it's getting easier and I am amazed at the changes in my strength in such a short time.

The main pose I still want to work on in primary is baddhakonasana, still needs a lot of work, but it's changing, can now get chin to the floor without assistance but knees still flying. So primary feels like a real movement meditation, which I love. It is also great for opening up the hips which I am sure helps me to get my legs over my head later on, I'm sure

Yesterday I was doing bhekasana and I was thinking (bad yogini I know) " I'm crap at this it's gonna take year before my hands touch the floor" and then, they did touch the floor. Talk about shattering that belief, I was very surprised!

Looking forward to a shala visit, also glad it's Friday. So grateful to do primary by itself on Fridays.

back on my mat at home

2010-06-17T23:12:00.000+01:00

Arrived back from my week at the shala on Monday after one last practice, only had two hours at home before I headed off to teach. Feeling really energised and enthused about teaching after a break, it's done me the world of good. Not that I wasn't enthused before! I love my job but a break is good for everyone.

So Tuesday was the first day back on my mat with three new poses to explore. I woke up and it was so cold I had to put a blanket over me while I had a pre practice drink. Well it was a lot warmer than that at the shala! Practice mostly the same a it was before I went. No surprises there. When I decided to go to London for a week and retreat in Italy for a week (in August), it was because I realised that the changes that happen in my practice happen in my living room where I practice every day. So I went to tidy up and really I guess for the non physical changes that happen when you can fully give your all to your practice.

Practice this week has been tiring! So glad it's Thursday and Primary only tomorrow. Can 3 poses really make that much difference? Well, I think there's maybe more to it than that. When I was away I could give my all to my practice so probably refined things a bit as I was there a week it became my practice. I'm not one to slack off, my body will get used to it, I'm sure. Also realised that of the 3 poses 2 are asymmetrical so 5 more vinyasas, when your doing a full primary and almost half of second 5 more vinyasas is a lot. I actually quite like working to the edge of what I feel I can do, it is an interesting part of the psyche.

Of course I have to work too, so have started napping in the afternoon again, really helps my body recover and keeps my mind fresh for teaching in the evening. Lucky I can do that. Also been really hungry! So well, I've been eating more.

So hows it been going asana wise? Primary just happens mostly, very focused. Kapotasana and I have had to get to know each other again after a week of being taken straight to heels (assisted). I am not very good at using my legs whilst being assisted, something teacher kept reminding me to do. At home alone though walking in the legs have to work, so I have been saying hello to my thighs! Am still doing 3 kapo B's at home before I do A at home as otherwize my body is jut not ready. So Kapo has been a bit hit and miss this week but it'll be back where it was soon enough I'm sure. I actually have a bit more faith that my self practice methods will eventually allow me to do this alone.

Kapo B is the only pose I repeat, except maybe drop backs (if I'm not spent!) my practice is long enough. Even this post is getting long!

I like my new poses. I have been doing dwi pada entry to supta K for a while as it is the only way I can do it solo. It's not something I could naturally do but something I gradually worked away at for years. So I can do dwi pada but it's not that great. These new poses should help. Left hip is more open than right, so goes back easily, spending a bit more time on my right side to balance things out. Working on the vinyasas for eka pada sirsasana is fun and managed to get timing right on second side today taking both legs back exactly the same time. Couldn't figure this before but think I just needed to tip the weight forward a bit.

Blah, good night!

On my way home

2010-06-14T11:26:00.001+01:00

I'm on the train on my way home.
Glad to have had one last practice with my teacher but will probably be back in 3 weeks which doesn't seem long at all.

Much better practice today than yesterday, more focused. Able to breathe better too, was by an open window so think that helped, oh sweet oxygen!

Back felt tight so will have a bit of a play to dekink it in self practice this week. Managed another assisted kapo though, back to creeping my hands in solo tomorrow.

Another new pose dwi Pada sirsasana. I love it!

I am tired and hungry despite two breakfasts! V recommended I eat lots in comments of my last post. Thanks, you don't have to tell me twice, I am off to train shop. Do not seem able to respond to comments on my blog on iPhone, so not ignoring anyone, will be home with my lap top soon.

:-)

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London part two

2010-06-13T18:01:00.000+01:00

Well it's nearly the end of my trip to London, I return tomorrow, as excited as I was to come here, I am even more excited to come back. Excited to share this wonderful practice with my students, excited to explore it on my own, excited to make positive changes in my life and most of all looking forward to seeing my man again, who also returns home tomorrow.

I have had and am continuing to have a wonderful time. Practicing in the shala every day with the heat and the group energy and of course my teachers eagle eye and mind blowing adjustments has been brilliant. I am truly grateful that I made this time for myself and my practice. With teachers help I managed to hold my heels in kapo everyday last week. Although I have to say it was far from comfortable, so many lessons to be had from this pose. To do something everyday that is hard, that seems impossible, that sometimes makes me want to run away and yet to do it, to be with breath and work on stilling the mind. It's a great practice a transformative one.

On Wednesday I was given two new poses, so am now practicing up until eka pada sirsasana. I really like the energetics of that pose. Excited to have more poses to explore and happy that my teacher thinks I am ready. Somehow adding just two more poses seems to make my practice so loooooong, although I am not going to labour this point as if I make it long in mind it will get even longer in reality! ;-)

Except for practice, I have been doing a lot of reading. I had no desire to dash around London seeing things. It was wonderful to give my body a rest and also spend some wonderful time with friends old and new.

So tomorrow I return to Liverpool after my final practice with my teacher for a few weeks. I am both sad and happy, but grateful that I have a life to go back to that keeps me excited and allows me to unfold, on this journey of life.

London part one

2010-06-08T13:00:00.001+01:00

Well here I am in London, sending my first blog post from my iPhone, inspired by susan :-)

It's great to have some consecutive days with my teacher. Every time I say see you tomorrow, I feel so happy. It is usually "see you in 4 weeks"

So far I have had 3 days of practice here. Each day I have been able to grab my heels im kaptasana with assistance. Never done this consecutive days before as only had two days in a row with my teacher once before and that was when I was given this lovely pose. :-) repetition seems to help me let go of the drama and focus on breathing.

Today was not as busy as yesterday at the shala. For this reason or because he gave me a settling in day teacher gave me more verbal instructions today. So easy to go off on tangents when self practicing, his feedback invaluable. He told me to change hand position in ustrasana so fingers are on feet pointing towards toes. A few other little refinements and many excellent adjustments.

So nice just to be there, I love the energy and focus. Heat also nice, it's not like that in my lounge!

Aside from yoga, I have mostly been reading, wonderful to have the time!

Holiday preparations

2010-05-30T15:49:00.000+01:00

Next week I will be spending just over a week practising at the shala with my teacher. I live in a different city from my teacher so usually I visit once every 4 weeks. My teacher is very experienced and very good at coping with me just popping up when I can. Nevertheless I think it's important for me to spend some consistent time with my teacher. This is the first time I will practice with my teacher for more than two days in a row. I'm very excited!! You may have noticed I keep saying "my teacher", for some reason I want to maintain his anonymity, this is a blog about me and my journey and I really don't want the responsibility of explaining who he is or what he thinks. I know some of you know who my teacher is and that's fine, it's not a secret, I just don't want to blog explicitly about him.

So this week some preparations, ordered some books to read so I can enjoy a relaxing week off work, all my yoga classes are being covered so that's a relief. I've not had much time off since I've been a yoga teacher and I think it's important no matter how much you love your job and life to step out of it once in a while.

Backbending has been very changeable over the last month, some times more flexible than I even imagined possible but other times back to where my backbends were about a year ago. I know every day is different but I have never had such a huge variance in my flexibility. I tried to resist the temptation to prepare my practice for next week, to have expectations about what I will achieve in one week. Actually I say try but I don't really have any expectations, I expect I'll learn something and it will be nice to have assistance every day but who knows what will happen.

I did decide by the end of last week, when my back was just getting tighter and tighter that I should do my best to sort it out. So I have decided to use my excitement about visiting my teacher, to encourage me to work on my backbends. This is helped in part by working out how to open it out, which I did on Friday. I think my back has opened up significantly recently but it seems to occasionally revert back and when it revert it really reverts. So on Friday when my drop backs were tight, I decided to some more. Working on each one slowly and focusing on the breathe my back gradually uncurled. I ended up doing nine drop backs, never done that before. Did ten today, also today I did 3 kapo B's holding each one for a minute. My Kapotasana A was back to it's usual state, which is actually much easier to do than the one I did last week with the tight back. So this week I am going to uncurl my spine, then let go and see what happens next week.

Faith and what yoga is to me

2010-04-30T13:39:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking about, what it's all about? not life, the universe but this practice which gets me to step onto the mat every day. It's a big question, such a big question that I'm almost reluctant to start writing even when I'm thinking about it, it makes me feel dizzy, I find myself looking at it from too many points of view. Too much thinking!

I have been thinking about it purely in terms of my own experience rather than basing my answer on what I have read or learnt. I remember feeling many years back that yoga brought me back to me, it unravelled me. My job at the time did the opposite so there was this seesaw effect. Now my life and who I am feel fully integrated, I am who I am. I am very grateful for the clarity that my life brings. My yoga practice is still unravelling me, the unravelling is deeper and strips me of all identity at times. As discussed in previous posts about emotional release, this year has been pretty intense work on letting go of some of the deeper emotions that are stored in my body.

This unravelling allows me to be more present, in this presence I get glimpses of the unity and oneness in the chaos. Yoga helps me respond better in the moment, to stay calm and yet alert. So many things does yoga do for me, ultimately I guess it enhances my experience of everything else by making me more present.

Susan mentioned faith in the practice on her blog recently. It made me realise how much faith I have in ashtanga. There are familiar themes of the ashtangi psyche that come up again and again, especially if you get a group of astangi's together. Craving new postures, lamenting on lack of progress in whatever, for me at the moment I guess if I'm being honest is I want more poses. As the years have progressed then I guess perspective helps. I was obsessed with mari D years ago for instance, but now I garb my wrist every day. If a pose feels impossible, I know it will one day become possible. I also know that this is definitely not what my practice is for, I mean what real life use does binding in mari D have? However, I feel that my drama that I sometimes create in my head around my practice, is part of what the practice is teaching me. I want more poses, so I am not fully accepting where I am. However, I have never tried to suppress or change these feelings, I have always been accepting of them. I have complete faith that my practice will unravel them for me. I am grateful for these unenlightened thoughts because through them I face myself.

I could write much more on this but perhaps I will save it for another day or the comments.

Pushing the boundaries

2010-04-25T20:15:00.000+01:00

Been a while.... nothing profound to report. Practice today was good, been feeling very strong lately despite lingering cold, pushed the edge of my strength. Really enjoying the fluidity it's bring but was tired after practice today. Inspired by Kino to keep pushing the boundaries on and off the mat, so easy to accept where you are, when you practice every day.

Last week my back was more bendy than ever for two days. It was a real revelation, oh so that's what it feels like to have a bendy back. Was very close to Kapotsana heels solo. My back was not so bendy today, difficult to even get to my toes. However, I don't care, it's just interesting to observe the changes and the lack of caring. That shows a more important development than grabbing my heels, although I know I will be chuffed when I do that too!

What is interesting though is regardless of how flexible my back is Kapotasana is no longer the psychological, emotional ordeal it used to be. Definitely went through something there, am grateful to my practice for the journey and enjoying coming out the other side. Next week a workshop with Paul Dallaghan. Am excited to be practising with others and getting a new perspective from a teacher who is new to me.

Letting go to realise how much there is :)

2010-03-23T13:51:00.000Z

Went away for a long weekend at the shala, 3 days. It's hard not to have expectations sometimes when you see teachers so rarely. Saturday and Sunday, Kapotasana did not go so well, just as deep as at home but no more. Found myself frustrated and even angry and eventually upset during practice about many inconsequential things. All unusual states for me so I observed and was amused by the my thoughts rather than reacting to them. I knew I wasn't really annoyed and frustrated at the mundane things my mind was clinging too.

On Sunday the emotional release reached a pinnacle and I almost cried in Savasana as I realised that the anger I felt was towards my Dad, for being dead. Obviously not his fault but perfectly understandable response from me, I think. What was nice about this was realising that this anger related more to the now rather than when he died which was 3 years ago. I miss him now, having gone through an intense grieving process, I think I had kinda felt our relationship was over, it isn't of course. He was my dad and I love him still and everything I learnt from him is with me every day. So it actually ended up being quite a nice insight. When I was in Savasana and realised where the emotion was coming from, something happened in the main part of the shala and everyone laughed. No idea what it was but it brought me back into the moment brilliantly.

After that went and had a nice breakfast and lunch with fellow blogger yogis Kevin, Mel and Susan. Lovely to feel unrushed and share our experiences with this wonderful practice. The wonderful thing with ashtanga is that we all share similar experiences so it is easy to relate to each others journey.

On Monday I had a much more focused practice, one of those wonderful practices where the mind stays in the moment. Nice to practice with my teacher too. Heels in Kapotasana felt better than last time, could breathe much easier, not easily though, it is Kapotasana afterall. I also got a new pose bharadvajasana. I grabbed my ankles in the final backbend too, with assistance. My back is definitely opening, no wonder I am going through so much emotionally. Feel really grateful and happy to have such a healing practice in my life.

"Your legs may burn, that's okay" smiles kino

2010-03-09T18:16:00.053Z

Kino said lots of insightful things and I learnt a great deal from her workshop, mostly I have come back fully inspired in all areas of my life, not just yoga. She's fab! The above quote has been in my head a lot, mainly because my thighs are aching although not due to the workshop and it makes me laugh.

The led primary was hardcore, she held the poses long. She seems to love the number 4, it goes like this 1.....2....3.....4....(instructs someone specifically) in my head I'm thinking for example, maybe I should not have lifted my heels in Kurmasana and then....finally is it a 5, no 4 again, then 5. I like to be pushed hard and she certainly did that! It was Marc's first full primary, he had never been past Mari A before then. He did really well, it was obviously hard but he loved it. She helped him bind in Mari A, not bad for a weeks practice.

So when we got to backbending, we did about 9 urdva dhanurasanas! So that's when she said the quote in the blog title. I love the way she works you hard but is also really nice. Pushing my physical limits is a great way of removing boundaries in who and what I am. Then she said stand up if you can. Then drop back, it was my first led drop back, a real cut the faff and go moment.

She helped me into Kapotasana in the Mysore class on Sunday. She helped lift but I walked the hands in myself which is a first. My teacher grabs my hands and puts them there. Since I have been back I have been even more inspired to work hard in my self practice. I am continuing to employ boodiba's venki backbend methods. I do full primary and the second up to Kapo, but then I do Kapo B, 3 times. Last week I did it for 30 seconds, this week 40. This is why my thighs are aching. But it's just muscle fatigue and I need to strengthen them a bit. Also it's really helping me walk me hands in. I have gone in a little bit further this week from big toe last week to little toe this week. I sure am glad I have small feet. So far this week Kapo has been Sunday heels (KIno's help) Monday and Tuesday (little toe). Seems more consistent but more importantly I feel more inspired to work at it. I feel grateful to have a practice that challenges me to rethink the boundaries that my body and mind sometimes think are there. I even feel grateful for the ache in my legs!

Workshop preparations

2010-03-04T20:25:00.000Z

Well getting Marc ready for a workshop in a week is quite some mission. It doesn't matter how bendy he is. He could have been practising for years and still be tight. This is an inner practice, it doesn't matter what it looks like. I just don't want him to be lost. So I've taught him a few times but obviously we are both still working and busy busy so we just do what we can. Yoga is good for helping me let go of any ideals, it just is what it is.

I just got a voice mail from him to say that he arrived early for a job and so has done his yoga practice. He was busy earlier so couldn't do it. So I'm chuffed for him that he has fit it in anywhere that he can, but I am also in a state of shock. Loving it , wonderful to hear about his experiences, I am looking forward to hearing about his practice when he gets home. He told me the biggest change he feels is that he feels more aligned, cool not bad for a week.

In my own practice I have been exploring my backbends. I do my usual ashtanga practice but then do some extra work at kapo and drop backs, largely hanging back for a minute with my hands in prayer at chest or on forehead. Today I did Kapotasana B, 3 times, another idea from Venki and Boodiba's blog. I held mine for 30 seconds but going to increase this next week to 40, Linda does it for 90 but then she has been at it for longer than me. I have got to my toes and Kapotasana 3 times this week, out of the 5 days I tried. Tuesday and Wednesday my body was really tight, I think I was a little unwell. Having tomorrow off so I am well rested for the workshop on Saturday. Not sure if this is an improvement or not but will start to keep note so I can see.

In other news I started a new yoga class this week, a Mysore style class. Eleven people turned up. A great start, I have such enthusiastic students, it is an honour to be part of their journey.

Backbending

2010-02-28T15:08:00.000Z

My back seemed to tighten up in January despite working hard on kapotasana, it seemed to get harder rather than easier. I'd love to say I was all yogic and calm about this but actually it was a tad frustrating at times. Kapotasana felt like I was lost at sea falling to clasp anything. Buying a yoga towel helped a great deal here, now I can creep my hands in. I've also developed some stamina and when I am at home to make up for the lack of adjustment I do some hanging back and sometimes repeat the pose.

Inspired by Boodhiba's blog I started to time my hang backs which definitely helps me stay there longer and definitely opens up my back. It also helps me work on deepening my breath which opens the back up even more. Especially if I focus on ensuring the inhalation is as deep as the exhale, that inhalation really opens up the upper back, which feels intense and wonderful all at the same time.

Backbends sometimes have an emotional element for me and I feel like I have come out the other side of some intense healing recently. Now I am working on opening the upper back and deepening the breath.

For those of you interested on Marc's preparation for Kino's workshop. He has now practised upto Mari A, which will be his stopping pose in Kino's mysore on Sunday. So he has a week to memorise which he seems to be doing really quickly. Our flat is small but I have discovered we can both practice at the same time in the lounge, which we haven't done yet but it is nice to know it's possible.

Another ashtangi is born

2010-02-26T15:25:00.000Z

My boyfriend and I have been together five years today. Although I practice Ashtanga every day he has not practiced ashtanga, until recently. I had a social gathering for my students and they kept asking him why he didn't do yoga and telling him that he should. Marc is a martial artist, he has practiced martial art for 29 years and aikido for 13 years. He always felt he didn't have time for yoga aswell and I feel the same about aikido. We have always respected each others dedication. But after my students bombarded him, he felt he should give it a go. If any of my students are reading, thanks for your enthusiasm!

So the very next day, I taught him the surya namaskaras and the first two standing poses. He has practiced a few times since then. Then someone I know was unfortunately unable to make Kino's workshop next week and asked me if I knew anyone who wanted to go. Well I'm sure it wouldn't have been hard to find someone! I told Marc about this and he said he wanted to go.

I suggested he checked with Kino if she thought it was okay and she said, it would challenge and inspire him, nice one Kino. So basically we have one week to prepare him. I am really excited to be sharing this part of my life with him.

New Yoga Towel

2010-02-18T22:06:00.000Z

One of the many things, I love about yoga is it's transportability, all you need is a mat. You could of course practice without a mat and you can do it alone. These things make having a personal practice easier and means you can do it anywhere you can find the space.

Of course many Ashtangi's have a mat and a rug or a yoga towel. I've always just used a mat as I do not sweat much. I had a rug for a while in Mysore, gave me blue toes (the dye) and after a few washes and tries I decided I did not need it even in the Indian heat.

Where is this story going? Well a few weeks ago I lost my mat. It fell off the back of my bike, true but rather random story. So I bought a new mat, I love the type of mat I have, Planet Sadhana but have no particular attachment to that specific mat. It's a waste of money re-buying things but anyway this isn't the story.

Two weeks ago, I went to London and to the shala, my new mat was just one week old. The initial slipperyness was gone but it did not stand up well against the shala heat. My practice is getting longer and as a result I am getting warmer. It takes until Kurmasana for me to feel fully warmed up. If your doing primary your almost done at that point but I am now practising up to Bakasana B in second. So when I got to Kapotasana in the shala and the teacher told me to walk my hands in, I slid and couldn't so she had to bring them in for me. My final backbend was even more ridiculous, slide, slide, slide. Even at home alone I have been sliding in kapo B.

So I am heading to the shala this weekend and did not want a repeat, so I bought a yoga towel. I got a cheap one because I only need it for backbending. I have only practiced my second series poses with it once but woah! After practising Ashtanga for 5 years changes in my practice seems to be fairly gradual. Kapotasana has been a challenge to work on at home alone but with the yoga towel it was better than it has ever been at home. I can creep my hands in, I could never do that before. I walked my hands to toes 3 times. It was great for walking hands in, Urdva Dhanurasana too.

I am truly amazed that a thing can have this much impact on my practice. Feel like I can actually start to work on it now. No more flailing. Tomorrow is my day off and then I am off to London for a long weekend of Mysore classes and hanging out with yogi friends. I will of course be taking my new towel!

Busyness, new poses and moving on

2010-02-12T09:36:00.000Z

January was a busy month and February, also heading in the same direction. I am happy with the busyness, I am the one directing my life so I take some responsibility for how it works out. I am grateful to be spending this weekend at home though, as it will be the only weekend this month. This evening I have arranged a social gathering for my students at a bistro in town, an opportunity for them to meet outside of class. Tomorrow I am going out dancing, venue undecided, a girls night out. I love to dance but haven't been out for ages.

I've been getting to lots of Mysore classes recently and kapotasana is less daunting both physically and emotionally. With assistance I can get there and when I practice it alone I can now hear the calming voice of one of my teachers. She says "keep your head up, I know you want to let it down but if you do it's game over". Much easier to push myself when there is really someone there but the advice and calmness is useful, all the same.

Last week I had a strong emotional release during drop backs, content irrelevant really but I cried and since then Kapotasana is less of an ordeal. There may be more to consolidate there and I am grateful to have a practice in my life, that seems to heal me, when I am ready to let go. I feel much better for it in so many ways.

On Monday my teacher gave my a new pose, so I am now practicing up to Bakasana B. Bakasana is fun and adds some lightness to my practice. On Sunday I met fellow bloggers Mel, Kevin and Susan. It was lovely to spend some time with them sharing our experiences of life on and off the mat. It's another week until I get to go to the shala and that seems just the right amount of time. I'm enjoying practicing alone again but also loving having teachers.

Shala Practice

2010-01-23T17:51:00.002Z

Woke up dark and early to get the train to London for a shala practice. Slept both on way there and back as well as reading, so feel refreshed despite the early start. It was a nice practice, nice heat which suprised me, (it's a big room), my elbows slid into position for the last supta vajrasana. Nice to have someone there when I do kapotasana, kinda reassuring. Reminds me of learning to drop back,the teacher that helped me with them stood and talked me through drops for a week without adjusting before leaving me to get on with it. I asked him to see if my hangback was okay, he said it was fine. Not a deep assist but lots of instruction which will help me do it alone.

As I hang back I need to keep hips up legs strong. I was doing that bit, what was different was going down, I need to go back on myself making full use of back bend, I was going back too much I think. Think I need to keep pushing up the whole time too, like in largu. This keeping lift seemed to help Kapotasana B feel okay again, had felt I was overworking my lumber recently and couldn't work out why. It did not used to feel like that. So think it all makes more sense now. My back is less open than it was last month but at least I know what I'm doing more. Somehow knowing how to work at it is more important to my practice than what I can actually do. Thought I would write this post while experience was fresh, I'm taking my day off tomorrow since I have practised today. A lie in :)

Ode to Kapotasana

2010-01-20T14:26:00.000Z

Yoga is a continual process of refinement and I find that process gradually increases my awareness, so the outer journey becomes an inner one. In Ashtanga, the sequences are challenging, there is normally at least one pose that feels really challenging. Last year I didn't really have any of those poses.

I have had many such journeys in Ashtanga Mari B and then D, supta kurmasana, drop backs, standing up , etc. I like the challenge that these poses bring. I really focus and learn a lot about the actions which definitely helps me with my teaching. Most of all I like what they teach me about who I am. As I strive with some misplaced ambition only to surrender to the practice. Now with years of experience behind me, I know that my body will change that all I have to do is get onto my mat, but I forget this valuable lesson sometimes ; )

I enjoyed last years practice because I worked more on fluidity and my breath and these things are more important than any bind. My practice changed a great deal, especially the vinyasa aspect which for me helps bring a more meditative flow. I was frustrated at times because I wanted a challenging pose that for me in Ashtanga had always been there.

Now I have two poses which I find hard. Kapotasana and Supta Vajrasana, despite my years of practice I still find it amusing to observe my inner procrastinations, how will I ever do this by myself? I at least now know I will get there, I can do both poses with assistance from my teacher.

Usually I only go to a mysore class once a month but have been finding working on kapotasana by myself hard. With teacher I can grab my heels although it is hard! By myself I sometimes feel like I am flalling in outer space. So I decided to go more regularly for a bit, I live in a different city to my teacher so this is not easy. I have been two weeks in a row now and will be going again on Saturday to a mysore class, not with my teacher but with a very good teacher. It really helps me keep working at my kapotasana which for me is such a healing journey ....knowing that in just a few days someone will be there is reassuring.

Christmas and new year synopsis

2010-01-03T17:37:00.001Z

Hello and happy new year. Had a bit of a break from blogging and from work and feel restored and excited about getting back to it. I have some new yoga classes starting this week, including a mysore style class. I love both teaching and practising in Mysore rooms, so am really excited. Talking of which I am going to London next weekend for a long weekend of mysore classes, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. This is great because I've been feeling a bit lost with Kapotasana, despite grabbing my heels with my teacher they seem a long way away when I am by myself :).

I went away for a few days for Christmas, some time in the Welsh countryside with my partner on my birthday a truly wonderful day and then to the Lakes to visit my mum who was on holiday there. Really snowy in the lakes we had a great time walking part way up a mountain in the deep snow.

Kept my practice up six days a week, have been having Friday as my day off. Love the potability of my practice all I need is my mat.

Winter kapotasana practice

2009-12-20T22:11:00.000Z

This is where I have been practicing for the last couple of days, although it looks like a shallet in Switzerland, it is actually Manchester. This is a pre practice photo, I am amazed at how awake I look, I certainly did not feel it. I travelled up by coach as no trains ran early enough. Some guy proposed to me at the bus station which was pretty surreal for 6:30 a.m. He said he had a church booked for a few weeks time and someone had let him down, it's a new line on me!

Practice yesterday was the coldest practice I have ever had. My mat felt like ice and standing poses sent cold up my body. I practiced in a long sleeve helly hansen, so glad I had that with me and did not take it off until end of primary. Great to know I can still practice in these conditions though. All binds were there but was careful not to push myself in anything as the body did not feel warm enough. Short relaxation as I started to shiver!

Today was better, warmed up by supta kurmasana, standing postures still challenging due to my cold mat. There's definitely a market for heated yoga mats!

My teacher gave me two new poses today, which brings me up to Kapotasana. With his assistance I grabbed my heels. Yaay! It's my 30th birthday on Friday, (Christmas day) Kapotasana makes a great birthday present although I wonder whether I will feel like that when I do it by myself on Christmas morning!

I have had a great weekend. I am left with even more affinity for the tradition and this practice, my teacher and the wider Ashtanga community of which I feel part. When I meet an Ashtangi I instantly feel connected to them as I know we already share so much. This helps me to see the unity beyond Ashtangi's to all humanity but I guess I'm still working on that one. I did not feel much affinity with the guy who proposed to me at the bus stop, more bewilderment!

Transformation

2009-12-01T13:09:00.001Z

I have been doing yoga now for twelve years or so.....I still have many lifestimes worth of learning and tranformations ahead of me I am sure. Sometimes though there is not much change, I am just practicing everyday. Recently the changes in practice, understanding and personal transformation has been incredible. I returned for London and had no time to blog but wrote a list of all that I have learnt so I would not forget. Hopefully I will blog more about this but it is not just these external things in fact, really what do they matter, internally and externally I am changing. I love yoga, I am so grateful for this journey.

I was discussing Eckhart Tolle with Boodiba, as she is reading The Power of Now. Anyhow I asked her if she had seen the film What about me? In this film these two guys travel the world interviewing spiritual teachers and musicians about life, love, hope, etc. They also make music as they travel through the world, it really is a phenomenal film. Here is an extract with Eckart Tolle himself.

Imagine all the people......breathing together

2009-11-29T18:37:00.000Z

I recently watched the film the US vs John Lennon. it is a great film, especially if like me you were too young to know the history John's life, despite living in Liverpool. Note to reader, I'm not from Liverpool or I am sure I would have heard all about it from the age of two!

Anyhow, in David Swenson's workshop he talked about the universality of breathing. How if you asked a group of people to Om then some would say they would feel it went against their religion. If you ask them to breathe though they would be okay with that. At which point my mind jumped to the song, imagine. I don't know why, it was a cheesy moment, we were all smiling.

Imagine all the people breathing together,
For me the most useful part of the workshop was recapping on the adjustments I learnt last year for teaching bandhas. I had forgotten them and will now feel more confident using them. Also learnt a new great adjustment on to help people access the upper lungs. Not sure I can explain clearly over the internet but you place one hand below sternum and one hand on upper back and lift with the person's inhalation.
I have at least another post in me about pranayama but I will do that another day. Today I went and did a mostly uneventful mysore practice. Felt great for it, no drama, drop backs feel fab after dhanurasana. Met Mel and Kevin for breakfast after practice. Lovely to chat with them both about yoga, yoga and well mysore yoga, yoga with David Swenson, yoga in India, you get the picture :)

Tomorrow I am practicing with my teacher....

Here is the trailer from the John Lennon film.

David Swenson second series workshop

2009-11-28T16:24:00.000Z

Woke up at 4:30 in the morning so am exhausted. If this doesn't make much sense, I appoligise. It is my current stream of consciousness so it must mean something to me at least. I'm going to put some of my experiences down now while they are fresh but will probably write more and clarify after some sleep.

The Swens took us on his tour of second series. His light hearted humour is calming and inspiring. He has good control of the group which is important when teaching such a big group. Today this made me feel like I was in some kinda exam because I had to work to his timings not my own flow and I imagine that's more about me and the fact I woke at 4:30 to get the 5:45 train to London. Good to do a led every now and then my practice just gets longer and longer otherwize!

We did all of standing which felt great and I got nicely warmed up. We did the first two poses of primary seated. Then we moved on to second series. Lots of stopping and starting for information which was great but the body not as warm as usual.

Highlight for me was his arm position in kapotasana. He brought the hands to forehead in prayer then took them behind the head before lowering down. He also uses his head to get arms further back. I got my feet easily with this method even though my back did not feel particulaly warm.

He showed 3 different ways to jump into bakasana. I had been doing the third version landing on bent arms. I can't remember the difference between the second and third version. Kevin? In the first version he kept the arms straight but took the hips into handstand to balance and then lowered with fabulous control. When it was our turn I had a go landing with straight arms and to my suprise did it, tried again and can do it so will do it this way from now on. Oh just remembered he said to join feet mid air that really helped too.

We skipped dwi pada but did yoga nidrasana. We did the titibhasana sequence which I love, I think primary prepares well for this.

Saw Kevin and met Mel (fellow bloggers). Also met up with some of the people who did David Swenson's teacher training last year. Aswell as new people, I like the slightly social aspect to workshops.Thanks for reading hope it made some sense? I also did aanother workshop with him about pranayama and bandhas. Will post about that another time. Tomorrow regular mysore practice at the shala after a very early night!

Chakra Bhandasana and one more...

2009-11-23T15:29:00.000Z

So today I got to practice with my teacher. The room was crowded, focused and hot. I had a great practice, the best of the three of my trip to London. Lots of assists again which were all great, nice to be taken that little bit further. I got an assist in supta K again so grabbed my wrist, curious to see if I can do that solo, we will see. Will be good to self practice again to explore a bit before David Swenson on Saturday, so excited.

I was given a new pose so now practising up to Parsva Dhanurasana. With the heat in the shala my back really oppened up in Dhanurasana, it felt fantastic so knew I would get some good dropbacks.

So I did my drop backs and and then teacher came. Three half bends and then he grabbed my hands keeping them in prayer and took my right hand and then my left hand to my ankles. Whoooosh, what a feeling, it really is quite a mad thing to do. Right shoulder was fine, but the entry and the assist was completely different from Saturday. Anyway whole really thing blew my mind....

Told teacher I would see him next week.... so good to have a bit of consistency. Going to my Iyengar class tomorrow and have requested backbends as this is what I'm working on. It'll be nice to work on them from another angle. Then 3 self practices and back to London for more, feels like an intensive with work in the middle, glad I love my job.

Shattering beliefs

2009-11-22T13:14:00.000Z

Beliefs can be such limiters. I’m always grateful in life that I realised this early on in life. I am continually changing my belief system to make it work for me. Yet, we still have beliefs, I am blah blah, I can blah blah. Yesterday when blogging and reflecting I mentioned that I'd never really tried to work at Chakra Bhandasana until a teacher said that they thought they could. Suddenly upon being told this, I made my back bends much deeper. So belief was limiting me, this unusual for me as I think I work pretty hard at my practice even when left to my own devices. Sometimes though my flexibility changes but I don't change how deep I go, from habit I guess.

I find stuff like this really interesting because although it gets played out on the mat, it transcends to the rest of my life. Conquering something in your practice that either seems impossible or that you are even scared of, helps conquer similar scenarios out there in the world which is often a lot more chaotic.

Practice good today. I got a lot more adjustments and so feel that I have been deeply bent. None of that excess energy like yesterday. Yesterday when the teacher put me in Supta Kurmasana I thought I could grab my wrist. I was a bit amazed at the thought, Supta Kurmasana was a difficult pose for me, had to work hard to get it. Sharath's adjustments in Mysore helped a lot but then trying to get it on my own was another journey, largely played out on my mat at home. These days I can do it solo but when I go to Mysore classes tend to get an assist, they're just there, like magic fairies. So today I had that same thought as I was assisted, maybe I could grab my wrist and so I did. Another belief shattered, I saw a couple of people doing it in the past and though yeah right they must be born that way or something, that's just surreal. Now here I am surreally bendy, it would seem.

Yesterday I said it was great how the teacher discussed as he adjusted and it was great. Today I enjoyed the just get on with it approach, lots of adjustments but barely a word spoken, great focused space. My mind wandered a fair bit though, some days are just like that. Looking forward to practice with my teacher tomorrow, it's been months since I have been able to practice with him. Now off to meet a friend for lunch, happy days :)

Mysore practice day one and chakra bhandasana

2009-11-21T18:50:00.001Z

I have recently noticed that my practice is reflected in the clarity of the breath. Sometimes the breath is smooth and flowing and the body follows.

Today was a nice practice, right from the first breath, not amazing but definitely not concrete like Thursday, more fluid and mostly focused. My breath though was free flowing which always feels great. Practicing with other people in a Mysore setting did strange things to my dristi. I enjoy watching others mostly stay on my own mat, with my own practice. This particular teacher allows the use of props, which means people end up doing all sorts of curious things.
I got put into Supta K by teacher, who asked if I can do it myself. I can now but he gave a nice deep adjustment, felt comfortable but legs were further round my head than I would get myself. Teacher does great adjustments and like the communication and discussion he gives too. Great teacher for me as someone who practices alone a lot.

That was the only adjust I got until backbends. I felt a bit too energised to stop second at Bhekasana but that's how far I am with my official Mysore teacher (strange way to put it maybe, but you can't just have lots of teachers giving you poses??), who I will see Monday. Anyways my chest area felt particularly open so I did 5 drop backs and up to release my excess energy. I then did the traditional half bends and got 2 assists at working on grabbing my ankles. Again really good assists and discussion, he knows how hard I can go and when I good go just a little bit deeper.
First time I grabbed my ankle with right arm but he told me to put it on the floor. I twisted to grab and am not ready for that entry yet. He encouraged me to take my hands back behind my head, like from the prayer at chest position, rather than the round and grab method. My right shoulder has something not quite right with it. Feels like it is just wrong, not pain really but definitely a limiter in things like that. My hands were maybe 5-10 cm away from my feet. Left arm could have gone in further but strange sensation in the other shoulder told me not to push it. Shoulder feels fine now.

I came across these funny Ashtanga cartoons the other day. This is the backbend I was working on, chakra bhandasana. A few months ago I wouldn't have thought I was bendy enough to even try, I thought it was a pose for the suerflexy folk of which I was not. I guess gradually over time my back just opened up and then a teacher said they thought I could. Suddenly I can go much deeper, sometimes belief can be a barrier.

Last practice before London

2009-11-19T20:21:00.000Z

I am going to London on Saturday for some mysore classes, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. So tomorrow will be my day off. Today practice wasn't so hot, first time in ages, my body felt like it had been invaded. I could still do the poses, which suprised me. My body felt stiff but it wasn't and the strength just wasn't there. Oh well, everyday is different right, I see myself as an observer, exploring my inner universe.

Tomorrow, I teach two classes but otherwise I will rest up ready for my weekend. I will be going to London this weekend and the following one, the weekend after that I am going to Dublin with my mum. We are going to visit my brother but I have arranged to go to a Mysore class on the Sunday. So I will be getting lots of classes in the next few weeks. With a total of 6 different teachers, that should give me a range of insight...........

More on Raw food

2009-11-18T15:33:00.000Z

Yesterday I posted on how my eating habits have changed recently. Unusual for me to post two days in a row but summarising a 3 month journey in one blog post left many things unsaid. I have also found and read some interesting things since I last posted. Skippetty posted a link that Kai had linked to, it is a link to a post on Autorio's blog about Kino's thoughts on Nutrition. Are you with me? Linkamania! The blog post is interesting, I had no idea Kino used to be a raw foodist or that she has studied nutrition. Would love to know why she decided not to be a raw foodist?

Also in this post the book conscious eating comes up. I have not yet read this book but am definitely going to at some point. It is written by Gabriel Cousens who is a raw foodist and a yogi, he is considered an expert in the field. I have decided to move on from reading about nutrition for a while. I'm already reading three other books, so it will have to wait. Visit this blog hear Gabriel Cousens talk about raw food and yoga.

I realised I forgot to mention yesterday that I eat a lot more fruit these days, probably about 3 pieces a day. We have started getting organic fruit and veg delivered and the fruit is absolutely delicious.

Yesterday Grimmly posted a question on my blog. He said
"There's usually a gap between the fancy recipes you find in books and the what somebody actually eats in the real world once they settle down into a new way of eating."

When I first bought some raw food recipe books I was a bit overwhelmed, they seemed a bit complex and I needed to have all sorts of stuff I didn't normally buy. I also needed a food processor for a lot of things and did not have one. About two months ago, I took leap and bought a food processor. I think I have used it every day since, absolutely love it.

Anyways what do I eat? The recipe book that helped me the most is Raw Food Made Easy. Her chocolate cake is amazing and her recipes simple and easy, it's only a small book though. The book the Thrive Diet also has some great recipes in although he is not completely raw and this book is mostly his nutritional philosophy, the recipe section is fairly small.

I have adapted a recipe for raw lasagne which is nothing like lasagne but delicous none the less. I make guacamole and a sundried tomato sauce (two separate things) and finely slice a courgette and chop some spinach, all in the food processor. I then layer them, so a layer of the tomato sauce, a layer of cougette, a layer of guacamole, a layer of spinach, repeat. Another staple favourite is a raw nut burger on a bed of salad. There are three recipes for nut burgers in the thrive diet book, these can be cooked aswell but I have had them raw.

I usually have lunch at home but sometimes do not get home until late as most of my yoga classes are in the evening. Last night for instance I did not finish teaching until 10 pm! This is one of the reasons I started exploring raw eating as this is much too late for a cooked meal. So on such evenings I try and keep it very simple and dip raw stuff in guacomole, home made pesto, etc. When I make Guacamole etc I usually make enough for a few days and the use it in another way the following day. This keeps the food prep down, life is for living afterall!

Food, practice and wellbeing

2009-11-17T13:57:00.000Z

A few months ago I decided I should take a look at what I eat. I am not a nutritionist, I am merely using this space to share my personal experience. I already ate pretty healthily and was interested in how I could optimise my nutritional intake to support me in my life and wellbeing, spiritually and physically. I'm pretty active. As an Ashtangi working on the first part of second my yoga practice is fairly long. I also teach yoga and teach about 12 classes a week. I do not own a car, by choice, I passed my driving test and decided to become a cycle commuter, so I cycle to all my yoga classes which are mostly in the Liverpool city centre. I love my active life and wanted to optimise my food to support this amount of activity.

To begin with I just cut out the baddies caffeine, milk, bread and sugar. It's hard to cut out sugar when you go out to a bar for example even if your drinking non alchoholic drinks. I do not go out that much but when I do, I just do my best but am not fanatical. At home I do not eat any processed food so there is no issue. When I first practiced without sugar and caffiene, I could barely be bothered to put my leg behind my head, very sluggish practice, it was hilareous. Now my energy levels have stabilised, I no longer need a caffiene jolt in the morning.

I have always been curious about eating raw. So I started eating more raw and reading some books about the topic and eating mostly raw. At first the results were mixed, sometimes I would feel great, sometimes not so. I also got a cold around this time, first time I'd been sick in ages.

I figured my body was detoxing, so decided to speed things up. I did a juice only detox for four days, I followed a specific plan which involved adding blended avocado to my drinks. I had done this detox before a few years back. If you are overweight you are meant to loose weight but if you are at your optimal weight you will not loose or gain anything. So I did this particular detox because I did not want to loose any weight. I felt amazing on the detox, practice continued as normal and I even went on a 2 hour bike ride. Any muscle fatigue seemed to get flushed out of my body, I felt fab.

After the detox I ate pretty much completely raw for a couple of weeks. During my reading I learnt that you can not get B12 from plants and most raw foodist take a supplement for this. I take a very good multivitamin which has a high level of B12 , as high as B12 supplements. However, I decided to take on some more B12 from Meridain yeast extract which is fortified with B12. I have this on hemp bread (also non raw) as an afternoon snack.

Around this time I also read the Thrive Diet which is written by a vegan triathlete who eats a lot of raw food. This helped me consolidate and make the stuff that I read in the raw food books work better for me. I used to run a lot and used to think about nutrition for before and after runs but I have never really thought about that before with regard to yoga.

It's difficult to say with all the changes that I have made and explored what it is that has worked for me and I feel healthier and better than ever before. My body is the vehicle through which I experience the world. Increasing it's vitality has helped me on every level of activity from meditation to cycling. I'm so glad I have taken some time to explore this aspect of my life. I think that we all have to explore what works for us and that maybe there isn't one nutritional law that suits all.

So now my diet is mostly but not completely raw. I still like going out for dinner and do not think cooked food is evil! My body is pretty healthy I figure and will get rid of any waste as it needs too. Here is an average days eating.

Practice
Smoothie
Museli with hemp milk or fruit
Salad
Snack hemp bread with Yeast extract
Raw meal
Oh and my favourite treat at the moment is a tofu chocolate and banana mouse, just in case you were worried about me. Lol

If you've read this far well done! Practice the morning after a raw meal is really light.

worshops- David Swenson and mysore classes

2009-11-10T14:41:00.002Z

I already planned to go to London a week on Saturday, for 3 mysore style classes. The following week ( I realised last night) David Swenson is doing his intro to second series workshop. Last year I did his teacher training intensive, I learnt a lot, it was fab, in fact next year I may even do it again but back to now...well I couldn't resist going to go to London two weeks in a row. Also booked myself onto David's Breath, Bandhas and Pranayama: Exploring the Mantra of Ujjayi and the Mysteries of Energy Locks workshop. Yogaholics anonymous s here I come! Plan to stay until Monday so I can go to AYL Sunday and Monday. At the moment these are the things I am most focused on in my practice second series, pranayama and bandhas so will be great to explore them all in one day of workshops with the Swens, as one of my students lovingly calls DS.

Also Hamish is coming to Manchester to do a workshop in December, since I live in Liverpool this will make things much easier, especially as it is on a weekend. Hamish doesn't normally teach on a weekend so I normally go to London for a long weekend, practice with other teachers at the weekend and H on Monday. Will be great to have 2 days in a row with the same teacher! Doesn't sound like much but it is to me, lol.

I was thinking of trying to get in some more mysore classes over the Christmas break but given that I have 3 trips planned already I will maybe go to the lake district for a few days over Christmas break instead. Am I rambling? Sorry I am excited!

my practice

2009-11-08T20:22:00.000Z

Well this is a practice blog and I haven't blogged about my practice for ages. I guess sometimes there is not much to say and other times it seems unimportant.

Anyways........after Sharath's led classes my jump throughs and jump backs are more consistent and fluid. I just needed a little more strength I think in bandhas and in arms. They continue to improve as my strength develops greater control. This has led to a more fluid meditative practice.

I was working on the dwi pada entry to supta kurmasana as I don't get a regular assist and figured it was a good way to take it deeper. I can do that now, have been doing it for around six weeks I guess. So my primary feels very meditative these days, I just do it. I usually do some simple pranayama before I start which helps me get my focus on the breath.

So I was practicing up to kapotasana, but once dwi pada entry for kurmasana became a regular occurance I wanted something else to work on. I don't like my practice to focus in on one pose, especially one that's not changed much! So now I practice up to pincha muyarasana which I'm working on finding the balance in, 5 breaths today! I then do handstands, just coz I want too! I do a few from downward dog jumping and then from a forward bend. I can come up from a standing forward bend but have to bend my legs, but also exploring pushing up with straight legs, just for fun.

So my practice is long, full primary and then second up to pincha, takes me at least 2 hours 15, usually more like 2 hours 45 including pranayama and relaxation. I feel good though, have made some changes to the way I eat, (this would be a blog post in itself) and find that I have lots more energy and strength, which is obviously a great thing and is enhancing all areas of my life.

Kapotasana, hasn't seemed to change much in the last 6 months or so but have now realised, where I need to work. I need to open my chest out which I focused on and explored in various ways in my practice today. Felt very energizing and at times intense when I got in there. It's nice to have something to work at though, I like to have something to work at in my home practice. When I go to the shala I like to just do it aswell, just flowing through the sequence, seems to develop a good sense of non attachment. I'm going to London in two weeks to visit some mysore rooms Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I've been loving my home practice but I'm also excited and curious about going to the shala again.

unravelling for this moment

2009-10-26T16:18:00.000Z

Sometimes when I blog about practice or talk about practice it seems so focused on the physical. I was tight today, I couldn't do blah blah, oh woah I can now do blah blah. I think this because it is something concrete and easy to explain but is by no means the whole story. You can explain the same event in different ways. I'll give you an example from my own practice last week.

Version 1- I really didn't want to do kapotasana, I felt some resistance emotionally and physically. I did a few prep back bends and really felt myself open. It was maybe a little bit deeper, I touched my toes. Heels still seem a long way away.

Version 2- As I reached kapotasana I felt some resistance I focused on my breath and went into it. I love the way that yoga makes me face all aspects of myself and thus integrate them. As I hung there breathing opening my heart. I realised that I could die at any moment and that one day I would die and that this scared me on some deep level that I had never acknowledged. I kept my focus on the breath and allowed my body to open as I acknowledged this deep truth about my own mortality.

They are both the same event. When I talk about trying to get a pose or deepen it, the real subtance of that experience for me is that it facilitates this process of unravelling which allows me to experience each moment more fully both on and off the mat.

2009-09-23T00:20:00.000+01:00

The Yoga Teacher by Alexander Gray

2009-09-17T13:58:00.002+01:00

I read a lot of yoga books and sometimes find my mind is too tired to digest philosophy, anatomy etc. So I try to have a few lighter reads on the go as well, so I can choose what I feel like reading at any given time. This book fit the bill totally, it was light, easy to read and about yoga. It is a fictional story about a womens journey to become a yoga teacher. I guess it's a bit girly with romance side stories and being about a women, but men may enjoy reading it too. It didn't change my life but it did make me reflect a little and think about what I was doing. I recently changed career myself to become a yoga teacher so there are some similarities but not many. I feel like it was more of a journey for me but perhaps I'm just creating drama in my head. Although not an amazing book, I thought the book was a good lightweight entertaining read.

Danny Paradise and Sharath day 2 and 3

2009-08-30T14:23:00.005+01:00

Sharath day one - afternoon

After led class with Sharath I did a workshop with Danny Paradise in the afternoon, naughty I know, sorry!

Danny Paradise workshop was great. Practice was mostly second series with some third series and variations on standing as in the day before. I felt strong and really enjoyed the practice. Danny was great at adjusting really gentle encouraging you to do as much of the work as you can rather than taking over. Reminded me of Sharath's adjustments. Danny went round adjusting everyone who wanted some help with the more challenging postures. So I got my first kapotasana adjustment after two previous attempts. He helped me grab my feet and it felt nice, calming to have someone there.

Sharath day 2

So the following morning I went to led class with Sharath after my double practice the day before. I could tell I had done back bends when I woke up and did a couple of forward bends before practice to try and counter a bit.

When led class began I wondered if I'd ever bend forward but after the first surya I my body warmed up and it was nice. My breath was more fluid and so a better practice than the day before. My arms were tired but I managed to keep to Sharath's count. Danny did this awsome egyption shoulder oppener, which I felt in my arms all week, particularly Virabhadrasana B, which was difficult till Thusday!

Day 3

On day one and two I was trying my best in each posture, today although I was still stretching in each posture I found a softness in it. This morning I was reading one of Matthew Sweeney's book and what he said really struck a chord as to what it was like. He said "Effort is only there in order for you to work towards effortlessness."

Sharath workshop

2009-08-29T09:39:00.003+01:00

I'm back from my week in London and have had a great time, was unable to blog due to busyness and also because the experience was so ongoing, it seemed more appropriate to go with it. It was lovely to see Sharath again and to practice with so many people. It reminded me of my time in Mysore and because of that it made me think about how my practice had changed since I was in Mysore.

There are many things I can do now, that I couldn't do then but the biggest thing that has changed is that I don't get so hung up on it. Here is a link to my mysore blog. I do not think that ambition to get a pose in Ashtanga is a bad thing, sometimes it is a great motivating factor. It isn't why we practice yoga but it helps us get on the mat everyday then that's useful. I guess years of practice has just made me realise that some days will be better than others and the things I now struggle with will next year be easier, all I have to do is get on my mat.

I prefer mysore style classes to led classes but I like led classes too. They help me remove the faff as I just have to go with the vinyasa. They teach the non-attachment to asana as I was talking about above because say you have difficulty with a pose, your not going to be there long, the practice is ever changing, so you let go of it and move on to the next pose. I also like practicing in time with lots of people, there is a special focus and energy to it.

Here are some reflections on my practice.................

Day one

My breath seemed a bit ragged at times, which made me wonder if I was becoming unwell. Sometimes I notice illness in my practice first. I ate well for the rest of the day and was fine after that. Knee was also a bit iffy as I had fallen on it, the week before, twice! I was able to do everything though, just had to be careful. Sharath adjusted me briefly in baddha konasana, which I did not expect, so a real bonus. When I was in mysore, I mostly had to come down in headstand and uth pluthi as Sharath's count is long and I get more tired in led than normal. Mangaged to keep to his count though and decided it would help my practice to try and do this for the whole week. All in all it wasn't a great practice on the mat but I felt good for it so decided that was what mattered. I went for breakfast with a yogi friend which was lovely.

Danny Paradise

2009-08-22T18:42:00.002+01:00

Really enjoyed the first day of the workshop, Danny has some interesting ideas and shares them with great clarity. This will have to be a short post as I am meeting a friend for dinner and have to be tucked up in bed soon for first day with Sharath tomorrow.

Practice was really different, lots of modifications of poses, some completely new to me. Like binding the arms in prasarita parvakonasana and then trying to stand on one leg. Who would have thought of that? He was generous with his time and knowledge, workshop overran by an hour.

At the beginning he said something to the effect of you have to take responsibility for your own path. I like that, people can share their experiences, sure but at the end of the day you have to practice. As Pattabhi Jois would say "Do your practice and all is coming"

Got to dash, more soon...

Mysore classes and new poses

2009-08-13T08:36:00.002+01:00

I went to London at the weekend, it's taken me till now to blog as I've been busy catching up with my life. I got the train in first thing in the Saturday morning, so I could do an early morning Mysore class. I went to 3 different teachers, as my teacher doesn't teach at the weekends.

Saturday morning practice was good. I had Friday off and was well recovered I guess. The teacher was new to me and maybe I practiced better to show my practice? I felt good, strong and flexible in the heat. Loved the adjustments too, lovely deep backbending.

Sunday morning and I awoke feeling the implications of my Saturday strong practice on my body. It was like being given a new body to practice with both flexibility and strength wise. Still it was interesting to observe it and I enjoyed being at the shala, tried to take it easy, sometimes this was noticed and I was adjusted!

Monday, my body was back to form, so I went full circle. When I got to the place where I stop my teacher was nearby and gave me the next two postures. So now officially up to Bhekasana, backbends were a joy after that especially in the heat. Being given poses is fun, always feels like Christmas or something.

Spent the weekend mostly talking to other yogis about yoga, it was a joy. Looking forward to trip for Sharath's led classes.

A practice of two halves

2009-08-05T15:09:00.000+01:00

As I practiced standing today my mind was wandering I stuck with it, and kept focusing on my breath. It must have helped because as I'm reflecting now the second half of my practice was more much more focused.

Yesterday, I went to my Iyengar class. My teacher is brilliant and it was a nice sequence. We did pincha muyarasana which I'm learning to balance in. He helped me with my alignment in the pose so that was helpful. We then did a forward bending sequence, which was really quietening and I went deeper than normal probably because of the sequence. Finished off forward bend part of sequence with supta kurmasana, which is my favourite pose, I think. Felt really chilled and slowed down afterwards.

So today back to the land of Ashtanga, I wanted to focus on back bending having done none yesterday. I did full primary and second to kapotasana, did a few kapotasana, lots of different approaches and enjoyed the exploration but still only one heel or the other. I still think it's possible if I only knew how.....but in the meantime I'm really opening up multidimensionally.

I'm going to London Saturday for some mysore style classes, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Really excited, seems like ages since I've been to a mysore style class. Going to a new teacher on Saturday (going to take Friday off practice). Excited about that as it will be an entirely new perspective, teacher is a teacher of a an Ashtangi friend of mine and she speaks highly of him so I'm curious.

just getting on with it

2009-08-03T15:31:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I did my current weekly practice of full second series. This time I did it without a DVD for the first time. Some postures that are usually better were not there but it was a nice practice. Getting a bit more fluidity with the sequence. Kapotasana felt close yesterday but not so today as is so often is the case. Jump back was more fluid today, I worked on it and enjoyed the mindfulness of being conscious of my movements in space.

Today I did full primary and really enjoyed focus on ujayi breathing. Last week tried to speed up my primary with the virtual help of Sharath on his DVD. Today just tried to flow with it. I can get into Supta Kurmasana, first attempt but it takes a couple of breaths, at the mo, working on this, everything else I can enter with ease.

After a few attempts at Kapotasana from various different methods I still felt strong. So kept going to Pincha Mayurasana, couldn't free balance today so went to the wall. Having realised recently how much my primary has changed, has freed me a bit to just practice each day and see how it is. We can only be where we are afterall, here.

Jump back and kapotasana

2009-08-01T18:50:00.000+01:00

I had a day off practice yesterday as I was busy and tired and it seemed to fit. So practiced today instead. This week I've been tidying up my primary trying to practice it in flow and a bit faster so I can focus on second series. My primary series is okay now, I think...... I'm amazed when I think back to how many postures I could not do that I now do with ease.

My jump backs have improved a great deal and I guess I'd been happy to let them evolve in their own way. The feet touch my mat as I go back and I think that it's just a phase. Nevertheless today I focused on this held the difficult part of the jump back a bit with a view to building up strength and also tried to keep my legs tight in. This meant my practice was a little less fluid but I guess it's for greater fluidity in the future.

Been grabbing my heels in kapotasana but only one heel at a time, I get a good stretch out of this though and think it's a useful way to work at it for now? Hopefully I'll find some relative ease in the pose and be able to grab my other heel. Feel like it's mostly psychological with this posture, it is so intense mentally and emotionally or perhaps that is the viewpoint I need to change.

I practiced full primary and then second series up to pincha muyurasana. Dwi Pada is improving, I can namaste with some regularity now but still find getting right leg behind shoulder awkward. All in all a good practice. Planning on doing full second tomorrow for my weekly exploration.

Reading

2009-07-29T14:29:00.001+01:00

I have been reading a really good book recently, Teaching Meditation to Children by David Fontana and Ingrid Slack. Interestingly the introduction to the book which discusses the benefits of meditation really resonated with me, as the benefits of my yoga practice. Recently I was articulating some of this inner experience to someone else and found it difficult to describe. When I was reading the book, I found a description of the experience that I was explaining described from another persons perspective. This helped me to clarify my own experience to myself and others much like a conversation with a good friend who knows you well can do.

The experience that I was initially describing was about being in a difficult situation and yet being totally calm and able to respond from the calm space inside myself. Despite this sense of calm the situation itself still brought up some difficult emotions for me but because of this inner calm I was able to observe my reactions rather than reacting from them.

One thing I like about reading books about yoga or in this case meditation is that because I have a regular practice some things resonate with me. Each time I read the yoga sutras I get something else out of it. I think it is more about experiencing things directly than reading about or intellectualising the process. However, sometimes I find it interesting to verbally explain to someone else or myself what I am experiencing. Sometimes the words of another person through written word or conversation can be incredibly helpful.

Second series

2009-07-27T19:46:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I practiced full second series with Richard Freeman. I like practicing second series with his DVD it keeps me chilled in the midst of intensity. The first time I did second series there was a lot I couldn't do. I found it difficult to keep my focus, it was like being a beginner all over again which as a teacher was incredibly useful as an experience.

I have only done the full second series sequence four times I think, I have been practicing it once a week. Each time I seem to improve in a posture which seems fast progress but that's like being a beginner too. I guess a lot of the progress I have made is mental, at first I would be like, you want me to put what where? Now I just have a go and sometimes I am surprised. This week I managed to land in Bakasana B and managed peacock sort of but not for full five breaths.

My normal practice today which is full second and up to kapotasana. On my right side I can get hold of the foot fairly easily on the left side my shoulder seems to get confused and I flail a bit. Still today touching toes on both sides. I tried to stay in kapotasana B a little longer and slow my breath down, to find ease in this. Felt good in an intense way, feel like I can really get deep doing this and begin to open up.

longer practice

2009-07-23T13:33:00.000+01:00

My class was cancelled this morning so I decided to practice for a little bit longer. My primary was fluid and my mind focused. I felt strong, sometimes I feel tired by Thursday so that was good. You never know what's going to happen when you step onto your mat. That's been especially true recently...

Still felt good when I got to Kapotasana, so decided to keep going to pincha mayarasana. Naughty I know but life's an adventure after all. My backbends have got much deeper than I ever imagined, I can now see my legs in urdva dhanurasana and am amazed how close they are.

I've been doing full second by itself once a week, usually Sunday. I'm going on a workshop with Danny Paradise at the end of August and wanted some familiarity with the postures. Find it interesting to work with something new, really have to focus to keep the breath controlled. Have only done the full sequence 3 times and amazed at the progress week to week. Talking of which landed Bakasana B today hooray.

challenges

2009-05-27T13:30:00.000+01:00

Back at home today, first self practice today after my shala visit. Really enjoyable. I did some exploratory handstand stuff, working on free balancing at the end of my standing sequence. Then I did some playing around with lolasana and holding it to build up strength for jump backs. Which is going to be my main focus for a while. Like I said I like to have a challenge, it keeps me learning and curious. Then did full primary with 3 kurmasana and a bit of work getting right leg behind the head lying down. Gonna work on that too, to work on getting into supta kurmasana via dwi pada.

Then at the end of primary I did second series up to kapotasana. Touched my right toe again fairly easily but still no joy with my left. I think this is due to having more dexterity with my right hand as I am right handed rather than more flexibility as my left side is usually more flexible than my right. I feel like I am going nowhere fast with kapotasana but as I worked on it, I thought am I getting a stretch, as the answer is most definitely yes, all is good, that's all we need to find in any pose really.

Then 5 urdva dhanurasanas and 5 drop backs and coming up, they were much better today probably because I did the second series back bends beforehand. I really like this combination of primary and second they flow together well. So I'm happy to practice this far and have found much to work and challenge me.

at the shala

2009-05-25T12:02:00.000+01:00

I practiced mysore style at the shala in London this morning. Always feels so much like home, to practice with others even though I barely know any of them. I feel connected to them through the practice that we all share. My teacher has gone to Mysore to pay his respects to Guru G. I thought he might.

I bought a new mat last week , a planet sadhana mat, it's meant to last a lifetime. I practice so much I wear mats away fairly quick and so have been rotating my use of my students mats. It's nice to have my own mat and although I thought there was nothing wrong with my other mats, this one is so much better. It seems to stabilise me without me having to grip it. Today was a real test for it though, as it is pretty hot in the shala and I got a bit slippy, only a couple of times. I do not usually use a rug as I don't sweat much but maybe I'll get one for when I'm at the shala and when Sharath comes........we'll see, the mat still needs breaking in.

I seem to be able to maintain my effort better in my jump throughs and backs when in the shala, there is such a wonderful focus in the room. I'm working on that as I like to work on something and although there are things to improve in my practice I can do (bind) in everything I have been given. This is a unique experience for me. It only seems like yesterday when four years ago ...I first did the primary series with all it's challenges it had in store for me. I really like being adjusted in supta kurmasana, it is very different from doing it myself and means I work more from my hips and less reaching with my chest.

Treated myself to a very healthy breakfast and drink and have a big bottle of orange juice to rehydrate me through the day. I have resolved to make an effort to eat more healthily and also go back to having a fresh juice every day, not that I'm unhealthy, I just know I can improve. I think getting away from my everyday life once a month allows me to reflect on my life and what I could change. It's so much easier to see if you take a step back.

catch up

2009-05-23T10:10:00.000+01:00

I have decided not to have my day off today, well it is Saturday, so I guess that's normal. I had Thursday off last week and so have practiced 8 days straight. I'm going to London tomorrow and I'm going to practice Monday and Sunday at the Shala. I'm really looking forward to practicing with others and so glad I have started to go every month, twice this month.

Having a blog feels a bit like having confession, I imagine...although mostly I have nothing to confess.........but so much has happened.

I just read my previous post to see where my practice was up to when I last blogged. I am now able to get my shoulders down in Kurmasana. I am still working on it and repeating three times when I practice at home (I think doing exploritory stuff like that is important if your practicing mainly alone). Anyways it worked..........I have been trying to do Supta Kurmasana every day since I went to Mysore last year so about 17 months............I have loved the journey..........and now I can do it. I get into it by crossing my feet first, then wiggling the shoulders through. Some advice from a friend really helped with how I cross. I take the left foot to the right of the centre so when the right leg crosses over it doesn't have so far to go. I'd like to be able to clasp first then cross my feet, as I'd like to teach it that way, for some of my students it would work better. I think I can do this but have to work out the action needed to lift the heel. Anyhow I can do it all by myself and have done so every day for about a week now.

A couple of weeks ago I went to the shala and was given the first two postures of second series. My practice felt great used to be exhausted after practicing in the shala but feel like I've really come through that and now feel quite energized. Feel like my practice has really changed in the last couple of months. I think not being a supply teacher will have worked wonders here. It was such a tough job.

So I'm still a little naughty and continue to practice up until the posture I can't do rather than the one I'm stopped at. I practice by myself mostly. I go to an Iyengar class once a week and a couple of mysore classes a month. The rest of the time I do full primary and then currently up to Kapotasana. I like to have a posture to work on, it can be a good motivator for home practice. I do yoga for many reasons but I guess the most important is that it transforms me. Getting the asana is not why I do yoga it's just something that helps motivate me to get on my mat and practice. So here I am very much at the beginning of a new journey with kapotasana. Woah what a posture, it's so opening emotionally and physically and requires so much perseverance. Can touch my right toe by myself on a good day, I'm surprised by that as my right side is generally tighter than my left but I think it's because I'm right handed and can move that arm more?

Sri K. Pattabhi Jois died this week and I could right a long post just about what I have been through with that. Ultimately I am left realising how much this guy has changed my life mostly indirectly although I am honoured that I had the opportunity to practice led classes with him last time he was in London.

So I finish this post with thanks to Pattabhi Jois for putting the practice out there so that so many people could practice it.

breakthrough

2009-05-03T14:38:00.000+01:00

I have been practicing intensely recently and really enjoyed my day off yesterday. Came back to my mat with renewed enthusiasm and resolve to not push myself too hard. I've been working on Kurmasana for a long time..................I have really learned to love this pose. Recently I have been trying to get my shoulders to the floor as my teacher suggested that would help with supta kurmasana. On Friday someone adjusted me and I was able to take my shoulders down, afterwards I was able to get my shoulders down by myself. Today I got my shoulders down without assistance. Still working on supta kurmasana but am pleased to see progress.

I am currently practicing up to laghu vajrasana in the second series. I do not have a regular mysore style studio near me and so stopped myself there. I was unable to come up until today although for the last few weeks I have been able to come up if I came up straight away. Today I came up after five breaths and then repeated it to make sure my body remembered what to do. Managed it both times. So moved myself on to Kapotasana as a reward. Managed to touch my toes in kapotasana with a bit of help. I have been working on the previous posture for some months and must have developed some of the flexibility and strength needed for kapotasana from it. Glad about that as it is pretty intense!

where to start

2009-04-15T14:29:00.000+01:00

Where to begin? Having decided to start to blog my practice I then realized how much I could actually write about it. So with that in mind I have to begin somewhere. I'll start by explaining about my practice. Ashtanga yoga is my primary practice although I also practice Iyengar once a week mainly because I have such a good teacher. As the postures are the same I am able to apply what I learn to my Ashtanga practice. Day to day I usually practice at ashtanga at home and go to my Iyengar teacher once a week. I also attend workshops and go to London for a couple of mysore style ashtanga yoga classes every six weeks or so.

These last couple of weeks have been great because I have been able to practice mysore style with a teacher two weeks in a row. This has inspired my practice greatly and given me lots of things to work on in my self practice. As a result of this today I am tired!

I guess my overzealous attempts have tired me out but I like that yoga shows me where my limits are for now its very grounding. Sometimes I have more energy and sometimes less. If I'm tired self practice can be challenging so I often use a dvd to lead me through the primary series. Today I think I'm just going to start and see what happens.....................