I have been thinking about, what it's all about? not life, the universe but this practice which gets me to step onto the mat every day. It's a big question, such a big question that I'm almost reluctant to start writing even when I'm thinking about it, it makes me feel dizzy, I find myself looking at it from too many points of view. Too much thinking!
I have been thinking about it purely in terms of my own experience rather than basing my answer on what I have read or learnt. I remember feeling many years back that yoga brought me back to me, it unravelled me. My job at the time did the opposite so there was this seesaw effect. Now my life and who I am feel fully integrated, I am who I am. I am very grateful for the clarity that my life brings. My yoga practice is still unravelling me, the unravelling is deeper and strips me of all identity at times. As discussed in previous posts about emotional release, this year has been pretty intense work on letting go of some of the deeper emotions that are stored in my body.
This unravelling allows me to be more present, in this presence I get glimpses of the unity and oneness in the chaos. Yoga helps me respond better in the moment, to stay calm and yet alert. So many things does yoga do for me, ultimately I guess it enhances my experience of everything else by making me more present.
Susan mentioned faith in the practice on her blog recently. It made me realise how much faith I have in ashtanga. There are familiar themes of the ashtangi psyche that come up again and again, especially if you get a group of astangi's together. Craving new postures, lamenting on lack of progress in whatever, for me at the moment I guess if I'm being honest is I want more poses. As the years have progressed then I guess perspective helps. I was obsessed with mari D years ago for instance, but now I garb my wrist every day. If a pose feels impossible, I know it will one day become possible. I also know that this is definitely not what my practice is for, I mean what real life use does binding in mari D have? However, I feel that my drama that I sometimes create in my head around my practice, is part of what the practice is teaching me. I want more poses, so I am not fully accepting where I am. However, I have never tried to suppress or change these feelings, I have always been accepting of them. I have complete faith that my practice will unravel them for me. I am grateful for these unenlightened thoughts because through them I face myself.
I could write much more on this but perhaps I will save it for another day or the comments.
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